by Laura Solomon
and Kerryn Young
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It took a lot of time and
effort to keep the mohawk looking ship-shape. I
used special hair products on it and had already
re-spray painted it pink twice as the colour had
started to dim and fade. I always liked to take
pride in my appearance.
A week after Philip had
died my phone rang. It was the doctor, wanting to
know what I was doing on Saturday night.
Ive got a
funeral to attend, I said.
What are you doing
Ive got the
after party to go to, I said. Lots of
Are you trying to
Come along if you
like. More the merrier. Hopefully Ill have
something to celebrate cause they will have
read the will.
organized the funeral. They saw me eyeing up the
red sports car and subtly let me know that it was
going up for sale, proceeds heading towards their
pocket. I wore a bright red skin tight strapless
dress to the funeral it was Philips
favourite dress on me. His parents gave me
sideways looks but I didnt mind. It was an
open coffin, the dude on the microphone said a
few words and then asked if anybody wanted to
come and put a flower on the body. A great long
queue of women, I counted 25, lined up to place
their flowers. All the women looked about my age.
The second to last woman spent forever gazing
into the coffin, her shoulders heaving with sobs.
An uncomfortable silence fell over the crowd.
After five minutes of sobbing, she attempted to
throw herself into the coffin with Philip and had
to be detained and escorted off by security. I
was shocked; it was as if she was his
current girlfriend. Maybe she was it
wouldnt have surprised me if Philip was
cheating on me all along.
The will was read out. He
everything except the car to Stella and Sheryl
blonde twins who looked like theyd
stepped out of a Sweet Valley High book. The car
he left to me. I saw his parents spit tacks.
Somebody threw a chocolate éclair at Stella when
the will was announced and it hit her in the side
of the head. A minor brawl broke out. I couldnt
believe that Philip had left me nothing in the
will, so I walked off; tears were welling in my
I ran bang smack into
Trevor the doctor. A lit cigarette dangled
between his fingers.
Hey babe he
said. Where you going in such a hurry?
A fight broke out,
He glanced over at the
Wow. Chaos reigns.
You wanna drink?
I nodded. I needed
something to help me get through. We walked the
short distance to where the after party was being
held in the same building as the funeral
just down the corridor and to the right.
Gin please, I
He nodded briskly then
headed for the bar, puffing furiously on his
cigarette as if his life depended on it.
We sat down together in one
of the booths and Trevor lit one cigarette from
the end of another. What class!, I thought.
I could tell he was a man of distinction and
style. He was drinking a funny coloured liqueur.
I asked him what it was.
Have you had a good
week? I asked.
Not really. Lost two
He didnt elaborate so
I didnt ask for details.
I sipped my gin, eyeing up
Trevor as I did so and I saw him trying to look
down the front of my dress. I was flattered by
the attention. We drank on, into the evening,
until the faces of the other funeral attendees
began to blur. Trevor took my hand. I didnt
resist. I saw Philips parents giving me
looks of disapproval and felt a slight twinge of
guilt, but the alcohol dulled it. Anyway, he hadnt
left me anything in the will and he was dead now,
so he wouldnt have a clue about what was
going on. Trevor invited me back to his house. He
chainsmoked all the way through the intercourse,
dropping hot ash on me. I was very disappointed
in this and told him he had a nicotine addiction
problem and should try patches or the gum.
Hey so what else is
news, he said glibly, lighting another fag.
In the morning he was quite
the gentleman and made me coffee and eggs
benedict. I was watching my figure so I only had
half the breakfast and left the other half
congealing on the plate. Trevor was paged and had
to go to work hungover. It was a heart attack he
was meant to be tending to, but he took his sweet
time, tending to me first and making sure I was
okay and could get home safely. He asked me to
meet him for lunch the next day and I agreed.
I showed up at the hospital
where Trevor worked wearing a sparkly gold top
with thin spaghetti straps and my best leather
mini, teamed with pink heels to match my mohawk.
As I entered the hospital
café where we had arranged to meet I scanned the
room looking expectantly for Trevor. I couldnt
believe I was dating a doctor my luck was
changing, Id be set for life.
I didnt see him
straight away, so I sat down at the nearest two
seater table. Just as I sat down I heard vacuous
giggles from the corner. I looked over to see
Trevor sitting with a group of nurses- there must
have been about four or five all gazing at Trevor
attentively, giggling at his every word. I felt a
wave of jealousy. Without thinking I marched over.
I screeched, When does our lunch date start?
The doctor turned to face
Sorry he said.
I didnt see you sitting over there. I
was just entertaining these lovely ladies.
Yes, looks like it,
Would you like to
No I want to have
lunch with you alone.
possessive are we? What is it second date?
teased one of the nurses.
I shot the nurse a cold
look, turned on my pink heels and marched back to
the table, hoping that Trevor would follow.
He stayed talking with the
nurses for a further five minutes and I was just
about to leave when he came sauntering over.
So what do you fancy
for lunch then?
Are you sure you can
spare me the time, I replied coldly. Dont
bust your boiler.
Oh come on sweetheart
theyre just my work colleagues. We were
just having a team meeting. He paused.
Did you know youre really beautiful
when youre angry.
Dont try that
old line on me. I know your type. Man about town.
Ladies man. Well, Im too jaded for you to
be breaking my heart. Ive been around the
town too you know.
Have you now. I never
would have picked it. How about we skip lunch and
Ill show you the linen room?
The linen room! Is
that where they do it in hospitals. I always did
No its just
that I think I left my belt in there.
Oh okay then. I
said quickly. I can help you find it.
We got up and I followed
him dutifully down the corridor, we passed a
group of what appeared to be student nurses, they
giggled when they saw Trevor.
Hi Doctor Trevor
they chorused in flirty unison.
We arrived at the Linen
room, Trevor locked the door and looked at me
with a seducing glance.
Hey I thought we were
just here to find your belt, I said
Trevor suddenly got a
strange look on his face and went as white as the
sheets he was standing next to. Before I knew it
he dropped to the floor, twitched a little and
Trevor! I exclaimed
What are you doing, this isnt funny
you are scaring me.
He didnt answer - I
ran out to the corridor and pushed the emergency
call button. Thats the last thing I
remembered as I dropped to the floor myself in a
When I came to I was lying
in a hospital bed- a nurse was standing near me,
Trevor? I said.
She turned and looked at me,
Sorry love, Doctor Trevor had an aneurysm
then added sarcastically When you two were
counting the linen, he died.
My vision narrowed, my last
thoughts were, not again! then I lost
consciousness for the second time.
My parents came and took me
home. I didnt say a word; I sat on my couch
for the next week staring at the wall. I vaguely
remember my mother coming in and out of my flat
trying to get me to drink soup. I couldnt
eat, I was in shock - three boyfriends dead in a
year, I was cursed; the black widow.
It turns out that Trevors
aneurysm was most likely caused by his 50 a day
smoking habit. So I found myself the following
Tuesday attending yet another funeral. When they
read Trevors will I was surprised and
delighted to discover that he had left me fifty
grand and a property in the Cotswolds. Thanks
for thinking of me Trev, I silently toasted
as I downed my third margarita at the after party.
I caught a cab home, ascended the stairs and
passed out alone in my queen sized bed.
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