Prime
by Doug Hawley
3
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Julie Collins – We are
here for the third interview with Yeti/Angwin
spokesman
Dook. For the five people living under rocks in
Blankistan, in the first two interviews we
learned that the Angwin are small relatives of
humans, who live in the Himalayas. They sometimes
have mutant progeny that look just like humans,
but all of them are brilliant. Dook agreed to an
interview in order to gain a homeland for his
people. After a few troubles, he has succeeded
and he will tell you about that today.
Tell us Dook, how you succeeded.
Dook – We always knew that we would prevail.
As you know from the last interview, we used the
stick of mass sabotage to recalcitrant nations
and the carrot of our advanced knowledge. Almost
all nations fell into line.
Julie Collins – There were exceptions?
Dook – Yes, but I won’t name them.
There are a number of failed states that have no
functioning government and therefore can neither
accept nor reject us. One nation, once considered
the most powerful, has become an international
pariah and has no interests outside its border.
The lack of acceptance from those places is
irrelevant.
Julie Collins – Where do you go from here?
Dook – We are currently setting up
boundaries and working on limited trade. We
intend to export technology and knowledge and
import some food we can’t produce and some
electronics. Based on stories from our mutants,
the retrogrades, we’d probably enjoy TV such
as “The Venture Brothers” and “Playing
House”, and music from Neil Young and Jerry
Lee Lewis.
Julie Collins – Do you have a government in
place to deal with the outside world?
Dook – We have a representative council,
with rotating members, which votes on issues that
concern us. That’s how we came up with the
plan for a homeland.
Julie Collins – No president, prime minister
or grand poobah?
Dook – Don’t have any, don’t need
any.
Julie Collins – But surely you have some
exalted position in that you speak for the Angwin.
Dook – I drew the short straw. Some others
have been chosen to speak to various audiences
around the world that are curious about us. We
can also experience other cultures that way.
Julie Collins – Won’t you be affected
by lower elevations?
Dook – One of the retrogrades has invented a
device that limits our oxygen, something like the
opposite of portable oxygen that your people with
limited lung capacity use. If you think we look
strange now, you should see us wearing that
appliance. Yetis from space!
Julie Collins – Do you have allies or
alliances?
Dook – Alliances lead to war and other forms
of insanity. We don’t need to be in the
United Nations, NATO, ASEAN. Having our homeland
is enough. Although we can defend ourselves as
has been proven, we will avoid conflict.
Julie Collins – Anything else that you would
like to share before we finish up?
Dook – I brought enough Tibetan Peach Pie
for you and the studio audience.
Julie Collins – Thanks from me and the
audience. I hope that we can talk again
soon.
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