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by Doug Hawley


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Julie Collins – We are here for the third interview with Yeti/Angwin spokesman
Dook. For the five people living under rocks in Blankistan, in the first two interviews we learned that the Angwin are small relatives of humans, who live in the Himalayas. They sometimes have mutant progeny that look just like humans, but all of them are brilliant. Dook agreed to an interview in order to gain a homeland for his people. After a few troubles, he has succeeded and he will tell you about that today.

Tell us Dook, how you succeeded.

Dook – We always knew that we would prevail. As you know from the last interview, we used the stick of mass sabotage to recalcitrant nations and the carrot of our advanced knowledge. Almost all nations fell into line.

Julie Collins – There were exceptions?

Dook – Yes, but I won’t name them. There are a number of failed states that have no functioning government and therefore can neither accept nor reject us. One nation, once considered the most powerful, has become an international pariah and has no interests outside its border. The lack of acceptance from those places is irrelevant.

Julie Collins – Where do you go from here?

Dook – We are currently setting up boundaries and working on limited trade. We intend to export technology and knowledge and import some food we can’t produce and some electronics. Based on stories from our mutants, the retrogrades, we’d probably enjoy TV such as “The Venture Brothers” and “Playing House”, and music from Neil Young and Jerry Lee Lewis.

Julie Collins – Do you have a government in place to deal with the outside world?

Dook – We have a representative council, with rotating members, which votes on issues that concern us. That’s how we came up with the plan for a homeland.

Julie Collins – No president, prime minister or grand poobah?

Dook – Don’t have any, don’t need any.
Julie Collins – But surely you have some exalted position in that you speak for the Angwin.

Dook – I drew the short straw. Some others have been chosen to speak to various audiences around the world that are curious about us. We can also experience other cultures that way.

Julie Collins – Won’t you be affected by lower elevations?

Dook – One of the retrogrades has invented a device that limits our oxygen, something like the opposite of portable oxygen that your people with limited lung capacity use. If you think we look strange now, you should see us wearing that appliance. Yetis from space!

Julie Collins – Do you have allies or alliances?

Dook – Alliances lead to war and other forms of insanity. We don’t need to be in the United Nations, NATO, ASEAN. Having our homeland is enough. Although we can defend ourselves as has been proven, we will avoid conflict.

Julie Collins – Anything else that you would like to share before we finish up?

Dook – I brought enough Tibetan Peach Pie for you and the studio audience.

Julie Collins – Thanks from me and the audience. I hope that we can talk again

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