Air Disaster
Horoscope
by Roz Warren
ARIES:
Concentrate on financial projects during
the first half of the month. On the 15th you will
die in a major aviation disaster.
TAURUS:
You will be sitting on the aisle but
you’ll want a window seat. If nobody takes
the window seat, you figure you’ll move over.
But at the last possible moment your worst enemy
will board and sit in the window seat. Later, as
you are tearing open your package of salted nuts,
a small hole will open up in the fuselage beside
him and he will be sucked out of the plane and
into the engine. Only his dentures will remain,
on the seat.
GEMINI:
Given a choice between pretzels and
salted nuts, you will choose salted nuts. One of
them will lodge in your windpipe over Des Moines,
choking you to death.
CANCER:
You’re on a airplane that’s about to
land when the pilot announces over the
loudspeaker, “We’ve lost all power in
one engine, but this plane is able to fly on the
remaining three engines. However, we’ll have
to circle awhile to prepare for an emergency
landing.” Fifteen minutes later the pilot
comes on over the loudspeaker again.
“We’ve lost power in another engine,”
he says, “but this plane is able to fly on
the remaining two engines. However, we’ll
have to circle some more to prepare for an
emergency landing.” Fifteen minutes later,
the pilot comes on once again. “We’ve
lost power in another engine, he announces,
“but this plane is designed to fly on the
remaining engine. However, we’ll have to
circle some more to prepare for an emergency
landing.” The guy in the next seat will turn
to you. “Hope we don’t lose that last
engine, “ he‘ll say, “or
we’ll be up here all day.”
LEO: The
small child in the seat beside the emergency exit
will open the exit in flight and you will be
sucked out. You will land on a suburban home, plummeting
through the living room ceiling and crushing the
room’s sole occupant to death.
VIRGO:
Two planes will collide over an airport in
Cincinnati, but you’ll be nowhere near
Cincinnati so you won’t give a damn.
LIBRA:
Soon as the plane takes off, you’ll realize
that EVERY SINGLE PASSENGER EXCEPT YOU is a
terrorist seeking martyrdom and you’ll be so
terrified you’ll die of a heart attack
before you can learn that they’re all just
movie extras flying out to Hollywood to be in
“The Bin Laden Story,” a made-for-TV-movie
starring Dustin Hoffman and Angelina Jolie.
SCORPIO:
See VIRGO.
SAGITTARIUS:
Soon as the plane takes off you’ll realize
that EVERY SINGLE PASSENGER EXCEPT YOU is a
terrorist seeking martyrdom and as your heart is
about to explode with fear, you’ll wake up
and realize it’s all a dream and that the
other passengers are all ordinary folks just like
yourself, which is when the hole will open up in
the fuselage beside you.
CAPRICORN:
You will be reading in the newspaper you
brought on board about the two planes that
collided over a Cincinnati airport when you
realize that the passenger on your left is
a cartoonist who is drawing mocking pictures of
Mohammed and the passenger on your right is
reading the Koran, writing his will and polishing
his AK-47.
AQUARIUS:
This is the month all your dreams will
come true, if all your dreams are about dying in
aviation disasters.
PISCES:
You’ll be sitting in your living room
reading the Short
Humour Site on your
laptop and a Leo will fall through the skylight
and crush you to death.
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