B.A.B.Y
part 3
by Will Nuessle
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The third and
final part of this training now commences. Hope
you’re feeling rested, soldier…
Mission
Nine: Sacktime II
Having
realized his error of the night before, Alpha
will employ Bravo’s suggestion of putting
the Pack ‘n Play in the tent so that Charlie
can sleep in a kick-free zone (or KFZ). This will
work admirably well right up until 0300 when
Charlie begins to scream at the top of his lungs
in his sleep. Mission is considered a fail if
Alpha or Bravo flee the campsite to wander the
woods forever.
Mission
Ten: Field-Stripping II
Charlie will
again awaken by 0530, and either Alpha or Bravo[1]
will be required to change his diaper. In the
process of changing said diaper, after cleaning
Charlie and with both of Charlie’s legs
captured by one hand, the recruit will encounter
a live spider in the diaper bag and must deal
with it immediately. Mission is considered a fail
if any member of Team BABY is bitten by said
spider, if Charlie falls to the ground, or if
Alpha/Bravo faints.[2]
Mission
Eleven: Establish a Beachhead
Having ‘enjoyed’
several days at camp, Team BABY will now drive to
the coast. Once they have found the beach at La
Push, WA, Charlie will be released to ‘stretch
his legs.’ Mission will be considered a fail
if Charlie falls in the Pacific/, if Charlie eats
more than three handfuls of sand,[3] or if
Charlie is abducted by werewolves.[4]
Mission
Twelve: Return to Base (or RTB)
Over the
course of two days Team BABY will drive to Home
Base, with added challenge: against all odds a
monsoon rain will be falling as Team BABY goes to
leave their Mesquite, Nevada hotel at 0830. Hotel
has no awning. Team BABY must pack their gear and
all team members into the car. Mission will be
considered a fail if Charlie is dropped, if any
fragile or perishable item is broken, or if any
team member is left behind. Mission will not be
considered a fail if morale is at or well below
normal levels.
Mission
Thirteen: Search and Rescue
Team BABY will
make a final dinner stop within 200 miles of Home
Base. Against all odds Team BABY will find a
chain restaurant with a play place, but will fail
to notice the “Ages 6-12” sign until
far too late. Once Charlie has climbed well into
the play structure, Alpha and Bravo are tasked
with retrieving him from said structure within
sixty minutes. This mission is considered a fail
if Charlie is injured, if any other children are
injured, if any police/paramedics/firefighters/news
people are called, or if Alpha or Bravo sneak out
and drive away, leaving their team members behind.
Mission
Fourteen: Bivouac Bingo
Due to
circumstances beyond their control, Team BABY
will arrive home just after 0100, or Oh-Dark-Thirty.
They will discover that the well-meaning house
sitter has locked all outer doors, and that they
do not have the appropriate keys because Alpha is
a moron. Team BABY are tasked with sleeping in
the car until daybreak. This mission is
considered a fail if Alpha gets stuck during
several attempts to make ingress through the
doggie door, or if he breaks any house windows.
Waking any neighbors will also result in mission
fail. The mission will not be considered a
failure if Bravo does not sleep due to Alpha’s
snoring.[5] Bravo is not, however, allowed to
physically harm Alpha in any way.
If All
Missions Are Successfully Completed:
Congratulations!
Alpha and Bravo are hereby officially recognized
as Extreme Parents. When Charlie is old enough,
he will officially recognize how Lucky He Is.
[1] Still
Alpha
[2] This really happened. It wasn’t a
very large spider, but still was the first time
in my life that I ever grabbed one with
my bare fingers. Mission accomplished, and I
admit to feeling remarkably manly
[3] We lucked out there – was only two
handfuls, and resulted in a lovely Waterford
crystal
[4] Twilight joke
[5] Bravo is the one who snores. Names
reversed for sake of marriage. Burn footnote
after reading
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