by Michael A. Kechula
Relax and have
another drink, said the mistress of the
President of the Reorganized States of America.
How can I relax when
1,000 renegade zombies are still running loose?
The Army cant find them. With elections
only two weeks away, that bitch, Elsie Snerd,
could win. Do you want to see her President?
Shell turn this nation into a Fourth World
Why arent all
the zombies dead? You told me the Army had the
latest portable flamethrowers and chain saws.
This bunch isnt
the same kind that invaded us during the last
zombie war. Back then they were easy to defeat,
because they walked slowly, were completely
disorganized, and had no objectives except to eat
different breed. Theyre uniformed,
organized, and have weapons. An unknown rogue
nation mustve refined the zombification
process and created a new class of zombies. They
have some ability to think, although their
implanted electronic brains are the size of sugar
cubes. The CIAs still analyzing DNA samples
to discover where they came from. We will find
out. And I will severely punish the nation
that unleashed a zombie sneak attack against us
on Christmas Eve!
I love when you get
so stirred up, she said. Lets
get comfortable so I can help you get rid of all
that nasty old tension.
As they disrobed, the
Presidents red phone rang. He spoke so
quietly, she couldnt hear his conversation.
Hanging up, he said,
The CIA discovered who created the zombies.
Then it mustve
I give up, she
said, nibbling his ear.
Switzerland did it. I
just ordered a massive nuclear attack. That
beautiful, mountainous country will be soon
transformed into a bleak, flat-as-a-pancake
desert. Plus, itll be several hundred feet
below sea level.
Kissing his neck she said,
What a shame. We had a fabulous time when
we were there. Hey! Isnt that where all
your gold and money are stashed?
his phone, the President called his top general.
Call off the bombers. Ive received
false intelligence. Reroute them to
He held his hand over the mouthpiece and asked
his mistress, Which country was it where
you had the worst vacation of your life?
Tahiti. A typhoon
blew in and ruined everything.
Nuke Tahiti, he
said into the phone. Theyre the
bastards responsible for the zombie sneak attack.
decision provided an unexpected bonus. Turned out
Elsie Snerd had gone to Tahiti incognito to relax
before facing the rigors of Election Day.
The President attended
Snerd's funeral service. He had an empty coffin
placed in the Capitol Rotunda to honor her. He
even gave the most touching eulogy the nation had
His ratings jumped fifty
points, and he was reelected.
After seeing what happened
to Tahiti, Switzerland never again sent a zombie
invading force to the Reorganized States of