The Novella
by Michael A.
Kechula
“Professor Downs,”
said the luscious female student, “would you
kindly review my novella? Your approval would
assure publication and thousands of sales.
I’d be willing to make it worth your while.”
She pointed to a motel.
“Look, I’m an
honorable man of impeccable character. Plus,
I’m highly altruistic when it comes to
helping beautiful female students with incredible,
goddess-like bodies.” Wiping his
drooling lips, he added, “You don’t
have to offer me your body in exchange for
reading your manuscript. Especially since I was
wounded in a most unfortunate way in the first
Gulf War. Give me a quick verbal summary,
and I’ll decide.”
She spoke of an orphaned
zombie, and its horrendous struggles when trying
to switch from being a brain-eater to a vegan. And
how it swam thousands of miles from Haiti to a
vegetable-rich Arctic island. Title: “From
Brains to Broccoli.”
Normally, Downs
wouldn’t have wasted time on such tripe. However,
he agreed when she articulated the plot summary
with vigor, logic, and clarity.
“Give me your email
address,” he said, “so I know where to
send my critique.”
That night, he read the
opening paragraphs to see if it rated more than a
cursory glance.
Next day, he sent a note to
the author:
Dear Miss Spumoni,
This is the worst piece of
horse do-do I’ve ever seen. I had to stop
reading on page 1. My brain was melting. The
smoke rushing from my ears reeked of Eau de Loo.
However, I decided to give
it a second chance. Perhaps, what seemed
horribly incoherent might make a modicum of sense
if read in a different environment. Consequently,
I brought it along to a buffet breakfast. Still,
I couldn’t get beyond page 1. I had to
stop reading for fear of heaving my guts out. My
brain went on strike. I began to see TILT
everywhere I looked. I had to take a heavy
sedative to restore my senses.
But, this is just one
opinion. Others may think differently. I suggest
you Google to see which editors in Upper
Grabistan, Lower Zamboozia, and Mid-Slabovia
might be willing to review zombie novellas. In
your letters of inquiry, remember to include nude
photos. Also mention compensatory motel trips.
On the positive side, if
citizens really want to purge illegal aliens from
this nation, they ought to give each illegal a
copy of “From Brains to Broccoli.” That’d
eliminate them, forever. Guaranteed.
Perhaps you should take
some copies to the nearest border town,
distribute them, and see how well it works.
Success in this endeavor could obtain the fame
and fortune you desire.
Do you want me to mail it
back? Or should I keep it for a national
emergency, in case the nation runs out of wipes?
A final thought: add a
radical political twist and you might win a Nobel
Prize— considering how easy it is to get one,
these days.
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