by Michael A. Kechula
a sour old bastard suffering from crushing
loneliness, cried Nessie.
understand your pain, Harry yelled through
a bullhorn. But, youre uglier than
sin. Those humps on your back are grotesque. If
you werent so mangy-looking, you
wouldnt be lonely.
not my fault I was born this way. Why wasnt
I born a beautiful butterfly instead of the Loch
on Fate, Harry said.
realize they wouldnt even give me a part in
Jurassic Park? Broke my heart. I told them
Id work for minimum wages. I figured if
kids saw me in the movie, theyd realize how
nice I am. Maybe theyd ask me to come to
their schools for show and tell. But the director
wouldnt have it.
the actors got fed on the set as part of their
contracts. The director said I was so huge,
theyd spend almost their whole production
budget just to feed me.
youd didnt hide in this loch so much,
especially when explorers show up, you might get
some good press coverage.
dont you take me home with you? You come
here every week to see me. You always stand way
up on a hill as if youre scared of me. I
dont eat people. I eat algae. If youre
so worried about my welfare, why dont you
build a lake behind your house, put me there, and
Ill live happily ever after. You could even
sell tickets so people could come to see me.
idea! Ill go home right now and prepare a
contract. Ill be back in a few hours.
Nessie exclaimed, shedding joyful tears. I
wont hafta be lonely anymore.
a contract stating hed get 99% of the
proceeds from ticket sales, snacks, and Loch Ness
Monster merchandise. Hed tell Nessie that
it was a 50-50 deal. Shed never realize he
was cheating her. It would never occur to her to
ask a lawyer to review the contract. She was a
gullible, uneducated dullard whod believe
anything. Scottish taxpayers were to blame.
Theyd refused to pay for the construction
of classrooms the size of dirigible hangars to
with the contract, Harry called through the
bullhorn. Nessie rose to the surface immediately.
the contract. No need to read it, he said,
knowing she was illiterate. Im gonna
climb down to the shore. I tied a pen to this
broomstick. Ill put it in your mouth
so you can wiggle your head and make your mark.
Thatll make the contract legal. And I
brought a camcorder to record this, so Ill
have proof that you signed.
Nessie giggled with
excitement as he approached. She bowed her head
so he could place the broomstick between her
disappeared, Nessie burped loudly.
every time! she chuckled, as she descended
to her lair for an after dinner nap.