The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Signs of Aging
by Gwen Boswell

So many of us lead busy lives these days; the hours become days, the days become weeks and the weeks, blah, blah, blah. Every New Year, those of us that are no longer children, or pregnant, or have a planned exciting holiday think, where has that year gone? We sometimes don’t even notice that there is all this important stuff happening to us, and around us and we may need to adjust. We should find time to take stock because be assured, there are signs and these are often glaringly obvious with the benefit of hindsight.

Signs that we are getting old are many and various. We know that when doctors, teachers and policemen etc., begin to look like high school students to us, this is a sure sign we are getting on. Another obvious sign is not being able to read a book without glasses, and no, it’s not just poor light, or your arms not being long enough, or 8-pitch formatting. We may also wonder why people keep shouting at us when they are not even angry.

Some signs of aging are subtler though; we notice that we fancy the fathers rather than the sons, and where we once used the adjective ‘hot’ in respect to men, we now tend to use when describing how we like our cocoa and water bottle. Mind you, dad may not have rock hard abs any longer, but he’s attractively distinguished and there is that look of kindness around the eyes – in between the creases.

We start selecting different types of magazines from those we have purchased for years. We notice magazine front covers that have leads that seem to tantalise and tease us until we have to buy the magazine to read the exciting and interesting articles alluded to on the cover. Articles such as, "Haemorrhoids and the common cold, are they connected?" Hmmm, what an interesting theory. "You too can save money on fuel." That sounds good too; I can then stuff my mattress with all the savings, or put it in the Post Office for a rainy day. "How to make a cheery quilt to keep you warm on those cold winter nights." Great, I can do that while I’m watching Songs of Praise. Can you see the difference? A few years ago, you would have read the magazine that explained how to catch hot blooded men to keep you warm on etc, etc. Alas, magazines with those sort of articles are no longer for you, but for young people. Publishers of magazines do not intend when they include scantily clad models on their front covers that someone should look at them and wonder if, when the lovely model washes her smalls, (probably in a tea cup too, rather than a sink), there is enough material in any one garment to actually enable the deft skill of pegging the said clothing to the line.

With the aging process in mind, be mindful with what you wear too. If some smart alec of a shop assistant has convinced you to purchase an outfit that you were considering was perhaps a tad too young for you, just have a glance at your teenage daughter when you have it on at home. She may not want to hurt your feelings, but just see if she blushes or raises her eyebrows, some discreet sign like that when you have it on. If you have a teenage son, his advice will probably be slightly more direct and on seeing you in the outfit, he may say something like, "Blimey mum, going tarting?" This would be a sure sign that your gut instinct in the shop was correct and the shop assistant should be ashamed of herself for taking advantage of vulnerable little old ladies.

To save embarrassing yourself and your children, you have to try and remain alert when it comes to your personal sense of style. Signs that you are losing your grip could be you stating, actually out loud, so that someone may hear you, that fashion was great in the 70’s. This is not true - only old people think this, so be warned and shut up. Hot pants too were a shocking fashion mistake, unless of course you happen to be a male between the ages of 13 and 110 where debate on this subject is quite common.