The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Other Signs
by Gwen Boswell

Like aging, signs regarding our increased weight appear to be either end of the spectrum, rather that anything in between. Developing into a couch potato often slowly creeps up on you and one night it may hit you that the reason you have watched the same channel for six hours straight, is not because of its intellectual and/or artistic content, but because you cannot heave yourself one metre across the couch to grab the remote.

A more obvious sign could be that you have a wardrobe full of clothes, but only one outfit that you ‘feel you look good in.’ The reason you look good in this outfit is probably more to do with the fact it actually fits you and with this particular outfit there is little danger after you spending five minutes doing up each individual button, that upon your sneeze, a button flies off at about 80kms per hour, pinging off various hard surfaces in your bedroom like a ricocheted bullet. Further, one morning when stepping as lightly as you can on to your talking scales, it dumps the numeric type of conversation it has had with you in the past and engages your attention by blurting out, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" Talking scale manufacturers refer to this reaction by your scales as ‘shock mode,’ and your scales will never be same again, nor will you get a refund.

Recognise the signs that you are becoming boring. You may wish to reconsider your great idea of the development of a personal web page to include all your holiday photos. Your best friends, who are generally supportive of all of your barmy ideas and even your mother and father, who love you dearly, can only bare to see about three of your wonky, blurred holiday snaps on your return from, typically, shell collecting in Sheringham, so what on earth makes you think the whole world wants to see any of them, let alone all of them.

Try not to become too self-obsessed. Note that you, and you alone, think it is cute when your dog jumps up everyone that visits your home to give a friendly doggie hello. You smile on these occasions and say," Don’t worry, he won’t bite you." You have missed a sign here, as your friend’s wife in her new designer white silk pants, cares less about her skin and bones being broken than she does about her new pants getting covered in dirty great paw marks. She is not thinking your dog is cute, she is thinking you are stupid and your dog is stupid. She is also thinking your dog is an ill-trained mongrel and wishes someone would leave your back gate open one night.

Finally, at some point you may wish to examine your drinking habits. If during any related discussion, you find yourself telling people that you are definitely a social drinker and the only reason you drink three beers in the first half an hour of getting home from work, is due to your extreme thirst. The action of drinking three beers in the given timeslot is not a sign you are thirsty, it is a sign you are becoming a drunk. There are countless statistics to disprove your statement; humans drink water when they are thirsty, they drink beer because they like the effect. Also, thinking that the glorious crimson of a glass of shiraz when sitting next to your sunshine orange coloured cornflakes is a wonderful contrast that cannot be missed, is not a sign of your deep appreciation of nature’s wonderful array of colours, it is a further sign that you are becoming a drunk and preventative action may be called for – or, it’s a sign you need to buy a hip flask.