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by Michael A. Kechula

Disgusted with life, Ed went to a T-shirt shop and had them make one with very large letters that glowed in the dark. It said: PLEASE ABDUCT ME.

That night, he put on the shirt, climbed his roof, laid on his back, and waited for Martians to whisk him away.  But nothing happened. That didn’t stop Ed from repeating his actions night after night.

Ed’s next-door neighbor, Harry, heard about this. Harry thought Ed’s abduction by anybody was a good idea, considering what an obnoxious bastard he was. So, Harry went to the same shop and had them make him T-shirt with even larger letters that read: PLEASE ABDUCT. However his shirt included a big arrow that pointed to the right.

Harry put on his new T-shirt, went on his roof and lay down, making sure the arrow pointed to Ed’s house. He could see Ed’s T-shirt glowing in the dark.

When nothing happed, Harry began to beseech the god of the Martians to grant his neighbor’s wish to be abducted. He reminded the Martian deity what a pain in the ass Ed was, and how great life would be without him.

He figured his prayer had been answered when a flying saucer zoomed toward his house. It hovered for a few seconds over Harry’s roof, while the craft’s commander read the message on his glowing T-Shirt.  Seconds later, Harry was abducted.

Heading toward Mars, Harry asked the saucer’s commander what the hell was going on.

“Aren’t you wearing a T-shirt that says please abduct?”

“You weren’t supposed to abduct me. Didn’t you see the arrow pointing to my neighbor’s house?” 

“What’s an arrow?” asked the commander.