The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Mi Mam & The Curate
(with apologies to Marriot Edgar)
by Ken Simm

Mi Mother wuz lookin all languid
She’d just come home from down t’pit
She’d taken er knittin and a nice cup o’ tea
To an armchair where she’d have a good sit.

She wuz sittin we’t feet up all comfortable like
When a noise came a’ bangin at door
“Oh now, what is that?” she said in a pet
And oe’r t’cat tripped full length on the floor.

Now the language it wuz kind o’ mucky
You’d never heard such things in your life
There wuz uffin and cussin and flamin and wot.
And the air you could cut with a knife.

There wuz effin and jeffin and language
That wud crimson a publicans ear
Til she opened the door and standin there
Wouldn’t yer guess the curate just come to see her?

Over a matter to do wit Women’s section
Of which mi Mother she took such a pride
And the problems of which, she solve in a flash
Or else generally took all in her stride.

But this time she couldn’t for sake of it
Standin there all wet and forlorn
All covered in tea and cat and stuff
Keepin Curate standin for’t rest of the morn

And all she could do in situations like this
Cos’ she said all oe’ercome with embarrassment and coy
Was shut door straight in’t young curates face
As they shouldn’t ave sent such a boy

To see her dishevelled and mucky and such
Whatever would women’s section all say
With her and her pinny and curlers wit language they’d heard
Her clothes and er temper all disarray

Now curate e’ left in a dudgeon
Which was wrong for a man of the cloth
And e’ stopped just in’t road, beside our front gate
and quietly dust himself off

Mi mam ad just sat down for tea once again
When a commotion it started outside
She went to window to see what wuz up
In time to see a man runnin up t’drive

“Whatever’s to do?” she said opening door
She could see that the man he wuz shocked
And observed the man he wuz handsome and nice
Whilst at the same time straightenin her frock

The man he blurt out all at once
It wuz difficult to ere what e’ said
“Theres been a terrible accident” he mumbled
“And I think your poor animals dead”

“Wot animals this” said mi mother
Thinkin of the cat still inside
“Yer big dog all black wi a white collar”
After some moments the man he replied

“There no dog wi a collar ere” mi Mam said
“black, white nor other colour”
“You’d best look again my young man
And your description it needs to be fuller”

“Oh no!” said the man lookin paler and more shocked
“To look once again would make us sicker”
“What’s done wot is done and I’ll go straight to hell
Cos I’ve only just run oe’er vicar!”