by Michael A. Kechula
hell are you? my wife asked when she
answered my knock.
you recognize me? I asked
outta here, or Ill call the cops.
Joe, your husband. Remember that day twenty
years ago when you had a terrible yen for jelly
donuts, and I ran to the bakery during a blinding
snowstorm? I never came back, because I was
abducted when I left the bakery. Ive spent
the past twenty years on a Martian spaceship
cleaning their horrible toilets. Let me tell
you, you never want to be anywhere near Martian
a sick man, she said.
inside this bag, I said. Here
are the jelly donuts I bought for you twenty
years ago. Check the sales slip inside, and youll
see the date imprinted on it.
flavor are they?
even if this ridiculous story was true, why would
I wanna eat twenty year old donuts?
have to. Its just proof that what Im
saying is true.
stupid conversation has dragged on long enough. Go
now, or I swear Ill call the cops.
going. But I want you to know this: Martians are
waiting for me in the park. Theyre
playing a stupid game. Just minutes ago, we
were flying over the bakery where they abducted
me twenty years ago. They made bets among
themselves about what might happen if they put me
on the ground with this bag of donuts and had me
confront you. One bunch bet youd take
me back. The others said no way. If you dont
take me into your house right now, theyll
keep me captive until I die. I dont wanna
clean their nasty toilets for the rest of my life. Wont
you let me come inside for just an hour? Thatll
be the signal to them that youve taken me
back. Then theyll abduct somebody else
to replace me.
nuts, she said, slamming the door. From
inside she hollered, You better run fast. Im
calling the police emergency number right now.
returned to the park where my captors were
who lost the bet seethed with anger. To retaliate,
they created extra large piles of putrid dung for
me to clean up.
said for being such a good sport, theyd
abduct a woman for me next time we passed Jupiter. That
way Id have female companionship.
one of the old jelly donuts, I asked the pilot
what women from Jupiter looked like.
along the lines of what you call giant squids
not as cute.