The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Interview With Jesus On His Return
by Roberto Stampini

PA: <whispering> Hi, George, nice to see you, thanks for coming. Look, I know we said ten minutes on the phone but we can only give you five now. The thing is, he had the Pope in this morning and it overran. Between you and I, he gave the Pope a bit of a bollocking but you can’t print that.

George: <whispering> OK, does he mind if I record?

PA: <whispering> No, that’s fine but, as I said on the phone, we have a veto on all publications and broadcasts. Can I get you a coffee or something?

George: <whispering> Water would be nice.

PA: <whispering> Jane, can you get Geoff some water?

George: <whispering> George.

PA: <whispering> Fine. No go areas are: the Middle East, the gay thing and the crucifixion. Cross the line and we terminate.

George:<whispering> What do I call him?

PA: Just call him Jesus, never Haysuss. He’s got a thing about the Spanish, thinks they’re high maintenance. <sound of door opening> OK, we’re in now.

Jesus: Hi! Take a seat man. Can I get you anything?

George: Water would be nice.

Jesus: <to PA> Get John some wine will you

George: Emm, it’s George and <interrupted>

Jesus: Do you think I look too Jewish? That’s what ‘Rolling Stone’ says; look here <paper rustles>

George: Well you do a look a bit….

Jesus: <interrupts> I know what you’re going to say<silent pause> Just kidding! I don’t really! So what can I tell you?

George: I think our readers are going to be interested in why you came back after all this time?

Jesus: Yeah, yeah, and yeah. I’ve got to tell you I thought twice about it, after the shitty welcome I got last time. Don’t get me wrong I know there were a lot of people really into my stuff but those Italian audiences! What can I tell you? Plus don’t forget I didn’t have a clue about the gig. God, and let’s get this straight, right off, I’m only his son in the same way that you are, to me he’s more of an agent, you know, sorting out the gig, telling me where I’ve got to be and handling the details. So me: ‘Mr new kid on the block’, totally wet behind the ears, thought it would be just a bit of wandering ‘round in sandals introducing you guys to some knew stuff and working on the act with the disciples<emphatically> Wrong!

George: So it wasn’t like you expected?

Jesus: No man! Totally no! Met some nice people but in this business there’s so many phonies and film flam artists.

George: Like Judas?

Jesus: Not really, Judas was cool, like one of the guys. Ok, when he split that was heavy man. He was such a key part of the act. I was cool about it, but the other guys saw it as a betrayal. But Judas was always into the bread and when the man calls and throws a shit load of money on the table, what are you going to do? It’s splitsville right?

George: So what are your immediate plans?

Jesus: Well, I want to tour, I need to tour. But first I’ve got to put the group together, get that solid vibe going again. We’re auditioning tomorrow, getting all new talent and trying to get some youngsters in maybe a few girls this time.

George: So what’s on the itinerary?

Jesus: Definitely the states. We’ve already pre-booked the major stadiums and we’ve got the people from Las Vegas working on the show, it’s going to be a real beast. The comeback to end all comebacks.

George: What about Africa, China and the Middle East.

Jesus: The way we figure it, is crack LA and the world will follow. You can’t push this stuff at people they’ve got to be their pulling at it. We’ll go down big in the states then flood the rest of the world with the DVDs and TV.

George: So have you had any negative responses?

PA: I think that’s enough George.

Jesus: No, that’s ok. I’ll field that one. It’s like this Geoff: my comeback has shown an awful lot of people that they were just plain wrong and they don’t like it. Those nay-sayers are having to eat some serious shit on this one. Just think of all those people that have built their lives on the fact that I wasn’t going to make it back and all those people who tried to act like I didn’t exist and all those people who were getting into the modern stuff. Take the Jews for example, basically on the right track but the hats and the beards, what’s that all about? Where does it say buy a hat and grow some locks? I tried to tell them the first time but boy are they stubborn. Anyway back to the tour, as well as the shows we’re going to be getting into product big-time. Up ‘til now, there’s been a lot of pretty shitty merchandising. But we’re trying to get a handle on that. The guys in suits are working on the angles for me. First, we shutdown the existing operations, you know the crappola guys. Jesus in a bottle fighting a shark and that crap then we start proper licensing and partnering, and we’re looking at good quality products, shit you’d be proud to have your name on.

George: Is there anything you can tell us about now?

Jesus: Well between you and me, we’re doing something with a hair care product, trying to build on the old pictures with me and the flowing blond hair, you know, always nice, tidy and shiny. Build on some of that stuff. Watch out for it, we’re doing the commercials in June. Then we’re looking at franchising, like they way the Pope did it, so everyone’s got their local mini-Jesus who looks like them and talks their language. Not the missionary thing. How you gonna build up a rapport with some guy in the jungle holding a spear and killing lions and stuff, when you turn up in a hat and coat? It’s like sending Alice Cooper to talk to the board at Exxon. Fit in first and then tell them the story.