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Incredible News
by Michael A. Kechula

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I have incredible news,” said the Illustrious Pooh-bah. “Our scientists have discovered that the Moon’s surface is composed of a substance similar to cream cheese. Soon, we’ll be able to end global hunger forever.”

“Your Excellency, how will we get the cheese from there to here?” asked a reporter.

“Through a polymer tube that stretches from the Moon to Washington.”

“How will the Moon Cheese affect those who are intolerant to dairy products?”

“Tests show it is easily digested by anyone.”

“My pet boa constrictor doesn’t have digestive problems,” said a reporter, “as long as I feed it white mice fourteen times a day. Will Moon Cheese be an adequate substitute?”

“Yes. Tests with boa constrictors show they only need one Moon Cheese feeding per week. Once they get a taste, they refuse everything else. Think of the savings in pet food you and other boa constrictors owners will realize. Susan, I see you jumping up and down in the back.”

“Thank you, Excellency. “If everyone ends up eating Moon Cheese, will it affect waste elimination?”

“I’m glad you asked. Tests have shown that elimination will cease permanently in humans, animals, birds, fish, and insects. This means untold trillions will be saved when we shut down the world’s waste management systems.”

“Illustrious Pooh-Bah,” said another reporter, “can you tell us what happens after all the nutrients are extracted from Moon Cheese by our digestive systems?”

“Yes. A few drops of a sticky, green substance will ooze from everyone’s forehead. In fact, I have samples of the ooze. My assistants will distribute them at the end of this news conference.”

“Does the substance have any odor?”

“Yes. The aroma is similar to a combination of decayed whale blubber, methane, and pig snout. I’m going to be frank with the people of the Amalgamated States of America. For a while, the entire nation will have to stay indoors once everybody eats Moon Cheese. We know this will be an inconvenience. But it won’t be forever. Our scientists are working on the aroma problem right now. Look, if we can get the Moon Cheese here, end global hunger, and end the daily accumulation of millions of cubic yards of body waste, I think the American People will put up with a bit of readjustment while we figure how to handle a few drops of forehead ooze. I’ll take one more question.”

“When will the first supply of Moon Cheese be available?”

“Next year. I know you’re all eager to try it. I already have. It’s absolutely delicious. I had two heaping platefuls for breakfast.”

Just then, some in the audience noticed a green substance oozing from Pooh-Bahs’ forehead.

In seconds, the room was empty.

“Hey, y’all,” hollered the Pooh-Bah. Come back! Don’t you want your samples?”