by Katy Darby
NURSE Miss Maclean will see
Nurse exits. Dentist
DENTIST Ah, hello Mr.
Roberts. How are you today? Feeling frisky?
PATIENT Ahaha. Not terribly.
DENTIST Well, I'm sure
we'll soon sort that out. Just take off your
clothes coat, yes, thats right, and
jump into the chair.
PATIENT Er . . . right. (does
DENTIST Open wide. Wider.
Hmm. It's that cheeky little left molar, isn't
DENTIST Looks like it's
gone bad. Very bad. When was the last time you
had a cock up? A check-up?
PATIENT Ingh ungh.
DENTIST Six months? Oh dear.
You have been a naughty boy. You've been a
naughty boy and it looks like now you're being
punished. Wouldn't you agree?
DENTIST Say yes doctor.
PATIENT Enh occha.
DENTIST Gooooood. I suppose
you havent been cleaning properly.
PATIENT Noh heahry
DENTIST Not really? Not at
all, is what it looks like to me. Youve
been letting those nice white toothypegs of yours
get dirty, havent you? And dirty little
teeth, filthy little teeth are bad little
teeth. (pokes mouth) Hmm?
DENTIST No pain no groin.
Gain. Thats the dentists motto, Mr.
Roberts. And like it or lump it is mine. Theres
not much I can do for your renegade molar except
give it a damn good drilling. OK?
PATIENT Noh urghay!
DENTIST Sorry, I didnt
quite catch that. Do you like it, Mr. Roberts?
DENTIST Do you lump it?
DENTIST Not so much lumping
it as bricking it, Id say. I think you
could do with a little injection just to calm you
DENTIST Please dont
be alarmed, Mr. Roberts, plenty of my more
nervous patients have been served very happily
under the influence of this particular cocktail
of barbiturates. I test it on myself regularly so
I know its all right.
DENTIST Now you may
experience some discomfort when the needle goes
and when you wake up you may feel as
though youve been rectally invaded, but dont
worry, thats quite a common reaction.
PATIENT Hechp mneee!
NURSE Miss Maclean? Your
next patient is here.
DENTIST Oh dear. What a
shame. Im afraid your time is up, Mr.
Roberts. No injection for you today. (Removes
fingers from Robertss mouth)
PATIENT (almost weeping
with relief) Thank you
oh, thank you!
NURSE Ill show you
out, Mr. Roberts.
DENTIST Same time next week
PATIENT Absolutely, darling.