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Horny Dentist
by Katy Darby

Nurse enters

NURSE Miss Maclean will see you now.


Nurse exits. Dentist enters.

DENTIST Ah, hello Mr. Roberts. How are you today? Feeling frisky?

PATIENT Ahaha. Not terribly.

DENTIST Well, I'm sure we'll soon sort that out. Just take off your clothes – coat, yes, that’s right, and jump into the chair.

PATIENT Er . . . right. (does so)

DENTIST Open wide. Wider. Hmm. It's that cheeky little left molar, isn't it?


DENTIST Looks like it's gone bad. Very bad. When was the last time you had a cock up? A check-up?

PATIENT Ingh ungh.

DENTIST Six months? Oh dear. You have been a naughty boy. You've been a naughty boy and it looks like now you're being punished. Wouldn't you agree?


DENTIST Say yes doctor.

PATIENT Enh occha.

DENTIST Gooooood. I suppose you haven’t been cleaning properly.

PATIENT Noh heahry

DENTIST Not really? Not at all, is what it looks like to me. You’ve been letting those nice white toothypegs of yours get dirty, haven’t you? And dirty little teeth, filthy little teeth are bad little teeth. (pokes mouth) Hmm?


DENTIST No pain no groin. Gain. That’s the dentist’s motto, Mr. Roberts. And like it or lump it is mine. There’s not much I can do for your renegade molar except give it a damn good drilling. OK?

PATIENT Noh urghay!

DENTIST Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. Do you like it, Mr. Roberts?


DENTIST Do you lump it?


DENTIST Not so much lumping it as bricking it, I’d say. I think you could do with a little injection just to calm you down.


DENTIST Please don’t be alarmed, Mr. Roberts, plenty of my more nervous patients have been served very happily under the influence of this particular cocktail of barbiturates. I test it on myself regularly so I know it’s all right.


DENTIST Now you may experience some discomfort when the needle goes in … and when you wake up you may feel as though you’ve been rectally invaded, but don’t worry, that’s quite a common reaction.

PATIENT Hechp mneee!

Nurse enters.

NURSE Miss Maclean? Your next patient is here.

DENTIST Oh dear. What a shame. I’m afraid your time is up, Mr. Roberts. No injection for you today. (Removes fingers from Roberts’s mouth)

PATIENT (almost weeping with relief) Thank you … oh, thank you!

NURSE I’ll show you out, Mr. Roberts.

DENTIST Same time next week then?

PATIENT Absolutely, darling.