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Going to the Bathroom Not Enough Fun
by Seth Brown

The capacity to enjoy a meal is one of the greatest accomplishments of human society. Human beings need to do a few things to survive, and eating is one of them. This could have easily been another onerous requirement of our lives; imagine having to stop three times a day and suffer through the dreariness of nutrient intake.

Yet somehow we have managed to transform nutrient intake into an enjoyable pastime. We enjoy the tastes. We enjoy the textures. We have even transformed the entire event into a social occasion; meals are taken with friends or family. I often marvel that my favorite times of day are those also necessary for my survival. We have TomSawyerized the fence.

But there are other things we have to do that are less fun, like going to the bathroom. Our culture celebrates the intake of food, but still relegates the output to barren stalls. Let's face it: going to the bathroom is not enough fun. As long as we have to do it every day, we should really figure out a way to enjoy it. We enjoy eating, which is necessary to stay alive. Many people enjoy sleep, another thing we must do to survive. And someone once told me that a few people even enjoy procreating, which ensures the survival of the species.

So why haven't we found a way to enjoy going to the bathroom? Maybe women already have, which is why they always seem to go to the bathroom in groups. I used to mock the idea of females using the bathroom as a social occasion. But why not? We converse while eating, even though our mouths are full. Maybe going to the bathroom would be more fun if it were a social event. And females being the social creatures they are, they have discovered this secret and thus congregate in the bathroom to communally do their duty, as it were.

Unfortunately, there are some big differences between the genders. Males don't want to socialize in the bathroom. In fact, we don't even like to see anyone else in the bathroom. If there's a row of urinals we will take one as far from everyone else as possible. We don't want to see you, we don't want to socialize. So how can we make going to the bathroom more fun for males?

Two words: Target practice. Imagine this scene: You walk into the bathroom because you have to go, and you think it's just going to be another humdrum trip to the john. But then, you see a bullseye painted on the back wall of the urinal! What excitement! Taking up your stance, you aim carefully and fire at your target. Most of it hits the bullseye, and instead of a dreary obligation, going to the bathroom has become an exciting experience. Now your life has meaning. Urinal bullseyes are the way of the future. So take friends with you when you go to the bathroom. Have get-togethers there. Lobby to have targets painted on your urinals, or maybe even mazes. Don't worry, you'll have lots of opportunity to practice. Let's transform going to the bathroom from a necessity to a form of entertainment. Because when you gotta go, you may as well enjoy it.