Going to the
Bathroom Not Enough Fun
by Seth Brown
The
capacity to enjoy a meal is one of the greatest
accomplishments of human society. Human beings
need to do a few things to survive, and eating is
one of them. This could have easily been another
onerous requirement of our lives; imagine having
to stop three times a day and suffer through the
dreariness of nutrient intake.
Yet
somehow we have managed to transform nutrient
intake into an enjoyable pastime. We enjoy the
tastes. We enjoy the textures. We have even
transformed the entire event into a social
occasion; meals are taken with friends or family.
I often marvel that my favorite times of day are
those also necessary for my survival. We have
TomSawyerized the fence.
But there
are other things we have to do that are less fun,
like going to the bathroom. Our culture
celebrates the intake of food, but still
relegates the output to barren stalls. Let's face
it: going to the bathroom is not enough fun. As
long as we have to do it every day, we should
really figure out a way to enjoy it. We enjoy
eating, which is necessary to stay alive. Many
people enjoy sleep, another thing we must do to
survive. And someone once told me that a few
people even enjoy procreating, which ensures the
survival of the species.
So why
haven't we found a way to enjoy going to the
bathroom? Maybe women already have, which is why
they always seem to go to the bathroom in groups.
I used to mock the idea of females using the
bathroom as a social occasion. But why not? We
converse while eating, even though our mouths are
full. Maybe going to the bathroom would be more
fun if it were a social event. And females being
the social creatures they are, they have
discovered this secret and thus congregate in the
bathroom to communally do their duty, as it were.
Unfortunately,
there are some big differences between the
genders. Males don't want to socialize in the
bathroom. In fact, we don't even like to see
anyone else in the bathroom. If there's a row of
urinals we will take one as far from everyone
else as possible. We don't want to see you, we
don't want to socialize. So how can we make going
to the bathroom more fun for males?
Two words:
Target practice. Imagine this scene: You walk
into the bathroom because you have to go, and you
think it's just going to be another humdrum trip
to the john. But then, you see a bullseye painted
on the back wall of the urinal! What excitement!
Taking up your stance, you aim carefully and fire
at your target. Most of it hits the bullseye, and
instead of a dreary obligation, going to the
bathroom has become an exciting experience. Now
your life has meaning. Urinal bullseyes are the
way of the future. So take friends with you when
you go to the bathroom. Have get-togethers there.
Lobby to have targets painted on your urinals, or
maybe even mazes. Don't worry, you'll have lots
of opportunity to practice. Let's transform going
to the bathroom from a necessity to a form of
entertainment. Because when you gotta go, you may
as well enjoy it.
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