by Michael A. Kechula
World War Nine
broke out while I was inspecting the Doomsday
Shelter twenty miles below Area 51. I was
incommunicado for three days. During that time,
Martians staged a sneak attack, waged nuclear war,
won, and departed with the spoils.
nearby Las Vegas. No survivors. Horrors!
Besides me, the only other survivors were
the Doomsday Shelter had plentiful supplies.
Except for human companionship, life was normal.
exercised in the gym built for 500,000 people.
Afternoons, I browsed the Shelters vast
library of a billion volumes. Time passed quickly.
But after six months, I found myself extremely
discovered ten thousand books containing
photographs of every female cockroach in America.
The cover said they were printed by Royal Press,
by order of The King of American Cockroaches. The
printers address was a few blocks from
Caesars Palace Casino in Las Vegas.
Waving a white
flag, I approached the place. Suddenly, I was
surrounded by very nasty looking, heavily armed
cockroaches. I come in peace, I said.
I wish to see your King.
that I was human, they put away their weapons,
and shook my hand. Then they told me to lie on my
back. When I did, untold numbers crawled under me,
lifted me, and carried me into the royal chamber.
Highness, I said, as they lowered me at the
foot of the Kings throne, Im
delighted to see you. And Im pleased that
you and so many of your subjects survived.
survived. Your scientists were right.
way, Your Highness?
predicted that the only survivors of
thermonuclear war would be cockroaches. So, how
did you manage to stay alive, seeing that you
arent one of us?
twenty miles below the surface inspecting the
Doomsday Shelter. When I came to the surface, I
saw bodies and destroyed buildings everywhere.
When I saw some of your kind scurrying around, I
knew there were other survivors.
are you here? he asked.
your books in the Shelters library
I had them published to show my beautiful female
subjects. I sent copies to all the casinos in
town, hoping theyd hire some as show girls.
cant imagine why I never saw any on stage
at the casinos. Actually, thats why
Im here. I have an idea.
We spoke for
hours. Then he ordered a beauty contest in which
only the most stunning of his subjects would
was held in what was left of Caesars Palace.
It rivaled any Miss America Contest Id ever
seen. Seeing gorgeous female cockroaches posing
in swimsuits was something to behold.
I married the
mated hourly to repopulate Earth. The cross-species
pollination is working. When we have sufficient
mutant offspring, Ill build a humongous
army, nuclear weapons, and rocket ships. Then
well get revenge.
genocidal Martian bastards! The cocka-humans are
coming to get you!