Funny Peculiar
by Katy Darby
A TV studio, set up for
an interview. The presenter, ANGIE, is talking
quietly into her earpiece.
ANGIE: Hang on – he’s here now? He’s
definitely here? Thank God for that. What’s
his excuse? Didn’t say anything? Does he? I
thought he was in AA? Fallen off, huh? Well, if
he’s already had a few, one more won’t
make much difference. Better than him throwing a
tantrum anyway.
Turns to director,
offstage
OK Bob, he’s backstage, we can go.
ANGIE turns to the
audience and speaks as though to camera.
ANGIE: Good evening and
welcome to Bleeding Edge. My guest tonight
is a comedy legend in his own lifetime. Ever
since he burst onto the scene in 1991 with his
contentious one-man show Die Laughing, his
meteoric rise has been unstoppable. Despite being
dogged by controversy, including the break-up of
his marriage, drugs allegations and rumours of a
homosexual affair with the bad boy of black
comedy Chris Morris, each fresh crisis has seen
him emerge stronger – and funnier –
than ever. In 1994 the Sun newspaper launched an
appeal which raised £1.2 million from outraged
readers who were willing to pay him to leave the
country. His forthcoming autobiography Read It
And Weep is shrouded in secrecy and although
it hasn’t even hit the shelves yet, it has
already pre-sold over 100,000 copies. He’s
been called sick, brilliant, an arsehole, and
Britain’s foremost satirist – and that’s
just by his agent. Please welcome Ben Woodrow!
Huge applause. BEN
enters, kissing ANGIE on both cheeks and
playfully smacking her on the arse. He has a
London (Streatham) accent.
ANGIE: Ben, thank you for
being here.
BEN: Pleasure’s all
yours, Angie.
ANGIE: (laughs
indulgently) Absolutely. Now Ben, we’re
very lucky to have you tonight because you’re
famously antagonistic, especially towards the
press. Do you think they’ve given you a raw
deal over the years?
BEN: Well, I give as good
as I get, to be honest, Angie. Every performer
knows that the press is a many-headed beast that
demands human sacrifices and the juiciest morsels
are the people at the top.
ANGIE: But you haven’t
always been at the top, have you?
BEN: No, no, I started off
in Streatham.
ANGIE: But it was in
Edinburgh that the drama critic of the Daily
Telegraph discovered you?
BEN: Yeah, Jamie Benson. We
still send each other hate mail.
ANGIE: (Dutiful chuckle)
But he famously dubbed you "the country’s
funniest man", so perhaps in a sense you owe
your success to media championing of your talent?
BEN: I think I’ve got
what I deserved.
He takes quarter-bottle
of vodka out of his pocket and swigs. Angie
ignores it professionally.
ANGIE: Now, I’d like to talk about your
debut, a comedy about a man who discovers he has
terminal cancer and decides to go on – well,
I suppose you’d call it a shooting spree.
BEN: (Gun fingers)
Bang on.
ANGIE: Since then you’ve
starred in four very successful series of your
own show on Channel 4. You’re famous for
pushing the envelope, but what made you want to
write that breakthrough hit?
BEN: I wanted to challenge
people’s perceptions of what could be funny.
And if they didn’t laugh, I wanted to be
able to tell them to fuck off.
ANGIE: And you did.
BEN: Frequently. Jamie was
in the front row and I told him to fuck off
several times.
ANGIE: But he was enjoying
it?
BEN: Oh yeah, he was
laughing his head off. I just didn’t like
his face.
ANGIE: After Edinburgh you
toured the show …
BEN: Yep, I took it to
hospitals up and down the country.
ANGIE: Specifically cancer
wards …
BEN: They say laughter’s
the best medicine.
ANGIE: In ‘92 Die
Laughing transferred to London where it won
an Olivier Award, and secured you a record-breaking
film deal – did that assuage your anger
against society?
BEN: Not at all. I was
actually quite disgusted that so many people
would find someone’s descent into madness,
murder and eventually suicide amusing.
ANGIE: But not surprised?
BEN: People are bastards.
ANGIE: … which of
course became the title of your long-running
series.
BEN: (Shrugs) It’s
funny cos it’s true.
ANGIE: During the second
season of PAB your wife Sonia divorced
you, citing mental cruelty and infidelity with
your collaborator Melissa Banks.
BEN: That’s right. We’re
still in touch, though.
ANGIE: In fact, you live
next door.
BEN: We agreed it would be
best for the kids. They come over every other
weekend.
ANGIE: Yourself and Melissa
parted company in ’98 after a protracted
legal battle that you turned into the hugely
popular satirical musical See You in Hell
– do you include that episode in your book?
BEN: I do set the record
straight.
ANGIE: And you’ll also
be spilling the beans about the Chris Morris
affair?
BEN: (Grin) Unless
he comes across with the hush money, yeah.
ANGIE: I can’t wait to
read it. People are suggesting it’ll knock
the thirteenth Harry Potter off the Christmas no.
1 spot.
BEN: I hope so, I’ve
got a grand riding on it at William Hill.
ANGIE: Of course, your
gambling addiction’s been well-documented.
In interviews you’ve talked about your
upbringing in a children’s home, your time
living rough on the streets of Streatham …
your involvement with hard drugs and of course
the spell in prison where you first read
Aristotle’s Poetics – which
inspired you to try your hand at comedy. A lot of
critics claim that your extraordinary experiences
give you your unique and blackly comic
perspective on society.
BEN: Maybe, but that’s
not the whole story –
ANGIE: In fact some have
pointed out that your notorious private life has
contributed significantly to your iconic status.
BEN: I don’t think
that’s quite –
ANGIE: Comparisons have
been made to other troubled comedians: Sellers,
Cook, Hancock … you must be sick of hearing
the phrase "tortured genius".
BEN: Oh, I never get tired
of it.
ANGIE: Would you say pain
is the inevitable price of fame? Do you think
there’s always a catch in any prominent
career?
BEN: (Solemnly)
There is a catch, yes.
ANGIE: (Paydirt!)
Wow! And you talk about this in your book? There
are revelations the public has never heard
before?
BEN: They’ll have read
a lot about me, but this will knock them sideways.
ANGIE: What’s the
catch, Ben?
BEN: Well … the catch
is … that it’s all bollocks.
ANGIE: What is?
BEN: (Happily) The
whole tragic brilliance, tears of a clown thing.
It’s all nonsense.
(Ben’s voice is
slowly becoming more RP as he speaks)
ANGIE: Your ex-wife might
disagree –
BEN: Sonia? Don’t be
silly, she’s watching at home with the kids.
(Waves at the camera) Hello Frankie! Hi
Poppy!
ANGIE: At … which
home?
BEN: Oh, it’s just the
one house now. We had it knocked through years
ago but we kept it quiet.
ANGIE: You reconciled?
BEN: We never split up! The
whole thing was a set-up. I love my wife very
much.
ANGIE: But surely your
drinking problem must have divided you?
BEN: No, no, that was all
made up. Here, taste.
She tastes the vodka.
ANGIE: Evian?
BEN: Volvic. Sorry, I’m
a bit of a water snob. I’m really a complete
lightweight, I just have the odd sherry at
Christmas. Which is a good thing, because you can’t
drink on the Atkins diet.
ANGIE: And the affair with
Melissa …
BEN: Oh, she’s a close
friend of ours. She babysits for us all the time.
And her tiramisu is to die for.
ANGIE: But … er …
the – what about the gay fling rumours?
BEN: Oh, I spread them.
Chris suggested it though. He’s such a
giggle.
ANGIE: So … your
unhappy childhood?
BEN: Parents are alive and
well and living in Richmond.
ANGIE: The prison diaries
seemed so authentic …
BEN: Did a bit of TIE in
Brixton just after leaving RADA.
ANGIE: (Disbelieving)
Are you saying that you’ve kept all this
secret from the British press for nearly fifteen
years?
BEN: No, I’m saying
they didn’t want to find out. TV’s
Woodrow Is Teetotal Nice Guy – not much
of a headline, is it?
ANGIE: But why did you
spread vicious lies about – yourself?
BEN: My agent suggested it.
He said the public are suckers for tortured comic
geniuses so I’d better find something to be
tortured about. It’s all in the book.
ANGIE: Is it?
BEN: Yep. I wanted to
change the title but my agent said Read it and
Laugh wasn’t as catchy.
ANGIE: So the true price of
fame is marital bliss and a really nice house?
BEN: For me, anyway.
ANGIE: Er … well
… on that bombshell, let me thank my guest,
formerly controversial comedian and well-adjusted
family man Ben Woodrow.
BEN: Can I just say
something?
ANGIE: Of course.
BEN: Thanks. (Turns to
camera, earnestly) Mum, if you’re
watching – sorry about the swearing.
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