by Michael A. Kechula
I moved three
times to get away from Joey. But somehow he
discovered where I was.
I dreaded the
idea of moving again to avoid that psycho bastard.
He thought I was his reincarnated wife. When I
didnt respond to his amorous advances, he
order didnt discourage him. I moved to
I was tired of
running. If only there was a way to spot Joey
sneaking up on me, I could mace him and bash
Then I got an
idea. I went to an auto parts store and bought a
rear view mirror. I mounted it on my head, but it
kept falling off. Next, I strapped it to my
shoulder, but I still couldnt stabilize the
damn thing. It was even worse on my buttocks.
discouraged, I saw an advertisement that offered
hope: Body Mod, a specialist in body
modifications, announces a new facility in
included several testimonials. One in particular
caught my eye: it showed a picture of a man with
three arms. His testimonial said, Now I can
do almost twice the work. My company is so
pleased with my increased performance, they gave
me a huge raise. Now I can make more widgets than
ever. And when I play baseball, I never miss a
catch. Thanks, Bod-Mod.
I made an
we help you? asked a Body Modification
I told her
about Crazy Joey and my fears. When she proposed
a fantastic resolution, I signed a contract and
recovery, Joey tried to jump me from behind while
I was walking my dog at night in the park. They
buried him a couple days later.
delighted with my new abilities, I decided to go
into business for myself. I became so successful,
I wrote Bod Mod a testimonial, which theyve
included in their latest TV ads.
The ads show
me with a bald spot on the back of my head. An
eye sits in the center. As the camera zooms in on
my new eye, I smile and say: Im Lisa
Snerd. I sure love my third eye. It's changed my
life. Im now a successful detective
with a seven-figure income. I can do
far more surveillance than any of my competitors.
My caseload is ten times the national average
since Bod Mod added the extra eye to my head.
approach the Chief Surgeon of Mod Mod and say,
Thanks for including little extras, like
making a special floppy hat with a slit in the
back. Its very stylish.
At that moment
the camera zooms to show the hat.
this hat helps me see everything thats
going on behind me without anyone noticing. And a
very special thanks for installing .30 caliber,
sawed-off machine guns in both shoulder
blades. Now I dont fear anybody, including
terrorists. Ill be back next year for
another modification. I love you guys. Youre