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Caviar and Crisp Sandwiches
by Gwen Boswell

Just stop and think about how much time in our lives we spend endeavouring to please or impress people we cannot stand, or don’t even know. That’s ridiculous, I hear you say (I lie, I know) but please, just bear with me.

How often have you heard someone saying, "I had a nice drop of red last night. "A nice drop of red; have you spotted the hidden message? Correct, the wine drinker is ensuring that everyone that is bothering to listen (pretty boring stuff, ah) knows he pays a decent price for his red wine. Do any of us care, no, he can drink kiwi wee-wee all night if he wants. But ask yourself this, if you found a really cheap bottle of red wine that you enjoyed, would you mention in passing to your boss - I don't think so.  He may be a complete idiot (most bosses are) but you would never admit to enjoying a wine that everyone else thinks should be poured over Mario’s portions down the local chippy. Why?

Now cars, let's say that you have a car that you are very fond of, and we will make it a small car, a mini.  We will also make it a putrid colour too, a dirty mustard colour, but we shall do the modern thing and try and disguise its putridness by calling it something trendy, "Dijon Blonde."  Picture yourself now in M&S and you bump into a girl who used to go out with your best friend's uncle's brother's nephew (in other words, a complete nonentity) but, alas, as you rushed out to do your shopping, you didn't really pay that much attention to your personal grooming, but she - the nonentity – did. She looks you up and down and asks how you are, THEN she asks you if you still have that ‘old itsy bitsy little mini?’ (Well groomed and thin I will allow, but she can’t be smart as well and as it’s my imaginary nonentity I call the shots).  Do you say in a confident happy voice, "Oh yes, I love that car." I don't think so.  You would more likely say, "Actually, I am just in the process of changing it...” Why?

What is wrong with us all!? It’s high time we restored our dignity with regard to this unacceptable situation. Please, take up the challenge and next time you have a situation something similar to you sitting having dinner with a bunch of either really posh or dead important people; a group like, blimey, I don’t know, like the Queen, Jonny Wilkinson, and a couple of people that can go through the door marked “Private” at Harrods.’ and the starched waiter hands YOU the wine list, don’t mumble in your worst French, a bottle of Newit St George 1998. Just look him straight in the eye and say, “Shit mate, I wouldn’t have a clue, try her over there and in the meantime, I’ll have a Dandelion and Burdock.”