Bizarre Behavior
by Michael A. Kechula
Few knew Santa
Claus was born in Tahiti and lived there for
hundreds of years. Even fewer knew he wore only
grass skirts, was beardless, employed human union
workers in his toy factories, used horse-driven
carriages to haul gifts, and that he delivered
presents to children by entering homes through
front doors.
One Christmas
Eve while delivering toys in Haiti, he was
ambushed by famished zombies who had no respect
for anybody. Those nasty creatures bit his skull
open, used razor sharp ice cream scoops to tear
out his brains, and ate every scrap.
This happened
when Santa left the final house of 82,756,281
houses on his route. If those zombies had jumped
him sooner, lots of kids wouldn’t have
received presents that year, and would’ve
been very sad. To the credit of those rotten
zombies, at least they jumped him at the end of
his route. Undoubtedly, that would have been
brought up in their defense, if they’d ever
been found, arrested, and appeared in court.
Fortunately,
Santa’s brainless body was quickly
discovered. Even more fortunately, Haiti was
the home of Dr. Frankenfutz of the Frankenfutz
Institute for Brain Swaps. He just happened to
have a wonderful selection of fresh brains on
hand. All came from villagers killed during a
terrible earthquake.
When
Santa’s grass-skirt-clad body arrived at the
Institute, Frankenfutz performed emergency
surgery to give him a new brain. After eighteen
grueling hours, Frankenfutz declared the
operation a success.
Upon
Santa’s recovery, instead of returning to
his native Tahiti, he hitchhiked to the North
Pole. When he arrived, he traded his grass skirt
for a fire-engine red suit. Even worse, he grew a
long beard, hired non-union elves for his new toy
factories, used reindeer to pull a gift-filled
sleigh, and delivered presents to children by
entering their homes through chimneys. The world
was shocked by his bizarre behavior. Especially
since lots of homes don’t have chimneys.
No one,
including Dr. Sigmund Freud, could explain
Santa’s goofy behavior.
Various
nations held hearings. Hundreds of witnesses were
subpoenaed to testify. However, they came to no
conclusion.
After years of
intensive research, the mystery of Santa’s
radical behavioral changes was solved. Turned out
that Santa’s new brain came from a village
idiot.
Millions
volunteered their brains for a new transplant. A
lottery decided the lucky donor. The entire
planet held its breath, as the Illustrious Poo-bah
of Upper Zamboozia reached into a gigantic barrel
and picked a slip of paper containing the
winner’s name. The donor’s name was
never released.
The operation
was successful. When he recovered, Santa
hurried back to Tahiti.
Once again, he
wore grass skirts, was beardless, employed only
human union workers in his toy factories, used
horses to pull his gift-filled carriage, and
delivered presents to children by entering their
homes through the front door.
Everyone on
Earth rejoiced when they learned that Santa had
returned to his good old normal self.
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