A Pleasant
Surprise
by Michael A. Kechula
Dr. Zanker was
upset when the corpse he tried to animate turned
into a mass of yellow goo.
“How
could I have failed so miserably?” he cried.
“Yanush, did you press the Fluff-Noodle
switch when the green lights blinked?”
“No. The
checklist said I should press the Fluff-Diddle
switch.”
“Dammit!
That’s the wrong switch! How could you make
such a stupid mistake?”
“I used
the checklist you had printed by the Village
Idiot Guild. They must’ve goofed.”
“I’ll
sue the bastards!” yelled Zanker.
Overcome with
curiosity, Yanush jammed two fingers into the goo.
“It’s very slippery. Perhaps we could
use it to grease the wheels on wagons we use to
haul stolen corpses from the cemetery.”
On impulse, he
licked his fingers. “Mmm. Tastes good.
Reminds me of mustard, and yet it’s a bit
sweet. Doctor, you should taste this.”
Zanker thrust
fingers into the goo. “That’s odd.
It doesn’t have the stink of melted corpses.”
Licking his fingers, he added, “You’re
right. It’s quite delicious.”
“Notice
the hint of honey?” asked Yanush. “And
yet it has the flavor of mustard. Imagine.
Mustard and honey combined. Perhaps we should
call it mustardized honey.”
“I think
honey mustard sounds better,” Zanker said.
“I have
an idea, Doctor. With this you’ll be able to
hide the gamy flavor of road kill. Remember
how you tried to sell all those carcasses to the
village butcher, and he refused them because they
were so bitter? I’ll bet he’ll change
his mind if we spread this goo on the critters
your wagon squashes along the cemetery road.”
“Great
idea. I’m promoting you from Laboratory
Flunky Third Class to Culinary Specialist Third
Class. As a bonus, I’ll throw in all the
road kill you can eat.”
“Thank
you,” Yanush said, licking his lips.
“Meanwhile,
check the castle for empty bottles. Fill
them with this wonderful substance. I’ll
design some eye-catching labels. I’ll call
it Grandma Zanker’s Special Formula Honey
Mustard. I’ll have The Grave Robber
Guild exhume more bodies. This way, we
can make more honey mustard when this batch runs
out. Just remember, from now on when a fresh
corpse is the table, and the green light blinks,
press the Fluff-Diddle switch!”
Zanker was
delighted when the village butcher accepted a
shipment of honey mustard basted road kill. Soon,
villagers were clamoring for more. They also
bought every bottle of honey mustard Zanker could
provide to village shops.
Before long,
the cemetery was empty. Zanker almost went out of
business for lack of raw materials. Just as he
was about to declare bankruptcy, bubonic plague
struck. Soon, the cemetery overflowed with
corpses. Zanker gleefully converted them
into thousands of gallons of gooey honey mustard.
When the
plague subsided, the great influenza epidemic
of 1918 struck Europe. Zanker was so
overstocked with his product, he began exporting
to America.
Since then,
Grandma Zanker’s Special Formula Honey
Mustard has been America’s favorite brand.
Especially among gourmets who feast on road kill.
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