by Michael A. Kechula
Dr. Zanker was
upset when the corpse he tried to animate turned
into a mass of yellow goo.
could I have failed so miserably? he cried.
Yanush, did you press the Fluff-Noodle
switch when the green lights blinked?
checklist said I should press the Fluff-Diddle
Thats the wrong switch! How could you make
such a stupid mistake?
the checklist you had printed by the Village
Idiot Guild. They mustve goofed.
sue the bastards! yelled Zanker.
curiosity, Yanush jammed two fingers into the goo.
Its very slippery. Perhaps we could
use it to grease the wheels on wagons we use to
haul stolen corpses from the cemetery.
On impulse, he
licked his fingers. Mmm. Tastes good.
Reminds me of mustard, and yet its a bit
sweet. Doctor, you should taste this.
fingers into the goo. Thats odd.
It doesnt have the stink of melted corpses.
Licking his fingers, he added, Youre
right. Its quite delicious.
the hint of honey? asked Yanush. And
yet it has the flavor of mustard. Imagine.
Mustard and honey combined. Perhaps we should
call it mustardized honey.
honey mustard sounds better, Zanker said.
an idea, Doctor. With this youll be able to
hide the gamy flavor of road kill. Remember
how you tried to sell all those carcasses to the
village butcher, and he refused them because they
were so bitter? Ill bet hell change
his mind if we spread this goo on the critters
your wagon squashes along the cemetery road.
idea. Im promoting you from Laboratory
Flunky Third Class to Culinary Specialist Third
Class. As a bonus, Ill throw in all the
road kill you can eat.
you, Yanush said, licking his lips.
check the castle for empty bottles. Fill
them with this wonderful substance. Ill
design some eye-catching labels. Ill call
it Grandma Zankers Special Formula Honey
Mustard. Ill have The Grave Robber
Guild exhume more bodies. This way, we
can make more honey mustard when this batch runs
out. Just remember, from now on when a fresh
corpse is the table, and the green light blinks,
press the Fluff-Diddle switch!
delighted when the village butcher accepted a
shipment of honey mustard basted road kill. Soon,
villagers were clamoring for more. They also
bought every bottle of honey mustard Zanker could
provide to village shops.
the cemetery was empty. Zanker almost went out of
business for lack of raw materials. Just as he
was about to declare bankruptcy, bubonic plague
struck. Soon, the cemetery overflowed with
corpses. Zanker gleefully converted them
into thousands of gallons of gooey honey mustard.
plague subsided, the great influenza epidemic
of 1918 struck Europe. Zanker was so
overstocked with his product, he began exporting
Grandma Zankers Special Formula Honey
Mustard has been Americas favorite brand.
Especially among gourmets who feast on road kill.