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A Miracle Product
by Michael A. Kechula

Millions who watched the 2015 World Cup on TV will never forget that fateful day. During a commercial break, TV screens filled with the magnificent countenance of Miss New World Order. “Here’s something new!” she announced. “A miracle of the New World Order! Jiffy-Dog! A dog in every box!”

Popping the top of a blue box, she exclaimed, “Just pour the orange powder from this box into a bucket like I’m doing. Don’t worry if you spill some. It wipes up easily. Next, add four liters of water. Stir three times…and…Jiffy-Dog! A beautiful dog every time.”

The screen split into a dozen panels showing men, women, and children pouring Jiffy-Dog powder into buckets. Suddenly, magnificent, fully-grown dogs of various breeds appeared in every one.

“Stay tuned for the next commercial break when I’ll tell you more about this incredible new product,” she said.

I’d never felt so excited. Instant dog. Just add water. What a fabulous concept.

The entire world stood still when the Jiffy-Dog hawker appeared once again and asked, “Tired of cleaning up doggie diamond? Tired of dogs barking at nothing during the night and waking you from a sound sleep? Tired of them eating you out of house and home? Try Jiffy-Dog. The instant dog that doesn’t eat, sleep, whine, chew your slippers, or have scatological accidents. Keep your fire hydrants spic and span. Keep nasty doggie breath away. Stop dog bites forever. No more unwanted puppies.&nbs p; Jiffy-Dog. A dog in every box.”

By the time the next commercial was presented, the only people on Earth not watching were in comas, catatonic states, and solitary confinement.

Miss New World Order demonstrated how to use an optional Jiffy-Dog dehydrator. She attached the gadget to the dog’s snout, threw a switch, and the dog collapsed into a small pile of squishy material. "When you want your dog back to normal, just sprinkle this treated liquid—available for a small extra charge—on the material, and it will expanded to its proper size, shape, color, and texture.

Ten million boxes of Jiffy-Dog sold that day. One billion sold by the end of the week.

I bought one. Luckily, I got the extra-strength model that told a million jokes. Funniest one-liners I ever heard.

My instant dog was the best companion I ever had. Not only could he do amazing card tricks and tell jokes, but he also watched sports on TV with me, something my wife never did.

Three months later, reports started to trickle in. Real dogs were disappearing. Investigative journalists filmed some sleeping under bridges and others in soup lines at rescue missions.

Parliament attempted to pass legislation to protect abandoned real dogs. They failed, especially when the Prime Minister, Foreign, Home, and Justice Secretaries switched to Jiffy-Dog.

Eventually, real dogs disappeared from the face of the Earth. Nobody cared. We had Jiffy-Dog.

Then came Jiffy-Cat.

And Jiffy-Wife.