A Dollar A Head
by Michael A. Kechula
Fed up with
freakin aliens carving my corn fields into
crop circles, I lay in wait in the dark with a
machine gun and 10,000 rounds of ammunition.
midnight, a glowing disk descended and hovered
over the last section that hadn't been turned
into a damn Martian art museum. Out jumped the
biggest, meanest looking bastard I'd ever seen
through a night scope. Before he had a chance to
use the chain saw strapped to his back, I let
loose with a 200-round burst. Blew his ugly head
Homeland Security. They called me a jerk and
warned me about wasting their time with goofy
stories. Screw them. "Look, I'll load its
head on my flat bed truck and bring it to
Washington so you can see for yourselves."
They hung up.
To hell with them!
I decided to
put the alien's head on the truck any way. I took
it to Washington, and set up a tent to
display the freakin' thing. Figured on charging a
dollar a head. Hoped to make enough to recover
the cost of all the crops ruined when Mr. Martian
van Gogh used his chain saw on my cornfields.
My exhibit was
a huge hit. Made a million bucks. Not only that,
me and the head were on CNN, Fox News, BBC, Oprah,
and a hundred other shows. Last month, I got a
big advance to write a bookplus Hollywood
Now the head's
up for auction on eBay. I hope everybody who
reads this makes a bid. Whoever wins gets the
alien's chain saw tossed in as a bonus. However,
shipping costs will be stiff, because the head is
made of dense, unidentifiable metal and weighs
three tons. The post office tells me that it'll
cost $97,000 to deliver it first class priority
Make sure your
mailbox is big enough.