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A Dollar A Head
by Michael A. Kechula

Fed up with freakin’ aliens carving my corn fields into crop circles, I lay in wait in the dark with a machine gun and 10,000 rounds of ammunition.

Around midnight, a glowing disk descended and hovered over the last section that hadn't been turned into a damn Martian art museum. Out jumped the biggest, meanest looking bastard I'd ever seen through a night scope. Before he had a chance to use the chain saw strapped to his back, I let loose with a 200-round burst. Blew his ugly head off.

I called Homeland Security. They called me a jerk and warned me about wasting their time with goofy stories. Screw them. "Look, I'll load its head on my flat bed truck and bring it to Washington so you can see for yourselves."

They hung up. To hell with them!

I decided to put the alien's head on the truck any way. I took it to Washington, and set up a tent to display the freakin' thing. Figured on charging a dollar a head. Hoped to make enough to recover the cost of all the crops ruined when Mr. Martian van Gogh used his chain saw on my cornfields.

My exhibit was a huge hit. Made a million bucks. Not only that, me and the head were on CNN, Fox News, BBC, Oprah, and a hundred other shows. Last month, I got a big advance to write a book—plus Hollywood is interested.

Now the head's up for auction on eBay. I hope everybody who reads this makes a bid. Whoever wins gets the alien's chain saw tossed in as a bonus. However, shipping costs will be stiff, because the head is made of dense, unidentifiable metal and weighs three tons. The post office tells me that it'll cost $97,000 to deliver it first class priority mail.

Make sure your mailbox is big enough.