A Coffin Is A
by Michael A. Kechula
coffins. He didnt know why. He also loved
Barbie dolls. He didnt know why that was so,
One day, while
looking at a coffin hed bought for a dollar at
a garage sale, he thought, Ill bet
theres a use for a big box like this.
filling it with popcorn. But somehow filling it
to the brim, and adding salt and butter to the
contents didnt satisfy him. He began to
think the coffin was meant for something far more
Next he filled
the coffin with cigarette butts that had been
smoked exclusively by European nobility. He found
he could tuck thousands inside, but several
hundred less when the butts were filter-tipped.
And though he took many digital pictures of the
coffins contents from various angles, he
still had the nagging feeling that the coffin
wasnt fulfilling its true existential
carefully selected for their delicate aroma and
collected from the citys Starbucks, were
next. The coffin nicely accommodated a hundred
pounds worth. And yet, after photographing the
results, Randolph felt that something was still
thought about the bikini-clad Barbie doll that
sat on the fireplace mantle. Hed always
wondered what use such a thing could have, though
he loved it so. It didnt work as a floor
mop. It didnt improve the taste of his soup
when he dipped the doll in a steaming bowl, and
it didnt speed up his Internet service no
matter how many times he sat the doll atop his
soul searching, his rusted frontal lobes shed
their rust. Immediately, his brain filled with
wondrous images. Eureka! he hollered.
handful of popcorn, another of unfiltered
cigarette butts, and another of coffee grounds,
he quickly tossed them into the coffin. Then he
gently laid the doll on top of the grounds with
its head pointing toward the foot of the box.
After closing the lid, he spread his arms, and
spun around a hundred times while singing several
choruses of Three Blind Mice.
He got so
dizzy, he passed out.
When he awoke,
he found hed shrunk. Running to a mirror,
he was pleased to see that he was only eight
inches tall. Though he easily climbed the coffin,
he found he had to expend thousands of calories
trying to open the lid.
he saw the Barbie doll puffing on a cigarette
butt, chomping on popcorn, and lapping up coffee
join you? he asked.
do, she said, as she slipped out of
her bikini. I thought youd never ask.
know what a coffins for, he said, as
he leapt toward the giggling doll.