Saucisse Avec
Purée de Pois
‘Are you ready to
order, Sir?’
‘What’s the
“corn tamale with avocado and corn salsa”
that’s here on the menu?’
‘Can I take it that
you’ve no knowledge of this dish?’
‘That’s correct.
It’s why I’m asking.’
‘In that case, there’d
be no point in me describing it because the
kitchen wouldn’t prepare it for you.’
‘It’s on your
menu, so why not?’
‘This restaurant’s
owner, and chef, Pretentio Bullasheetio, has four
Michelin stars. He has trained for many years
with the finest cooks in the world and appeared
as a judge on TV cookery competitions. He
believes there is absolutely no point in
preparing complex dishes, incorporating multiple
levels of flavour experience, for diners who lack
a sufficiently experienced palate. He likens it
to presenting a Lamborghini to a child who has
yet learned to drive – quite pointless and
an affront to the designer’s art. The fact
that you’ve never heard of his dish rather
puts you into that category, I’m afraid. Why
don’t you choose something you do
know about?’
‘There aren’t any
dishes on this menu that I fully understand.
“Scallops with puree of English peas,
pancetta and quail eggs, finished with shaved
truffles” contains ingredients that I’ve
heard of, but I’ve no idea what the food
might look or taste like. It’s the same with
“duck fat fried chicken with pecan-quinoa-corn
waffles”.’
‘Perhaps you should
inspect this menu, Sir. Pretentio
reserves it for what he calls his more culinarily
challenged diners.’
‘That’s better. I
understand the dishes on this sheet. … They’re
a bit limited though: “Pot Noodle”;
“Ginster’s pasty”; “Aldi beef
burger” – all served with “McCain’s
chips” and “Heinz baked beans”.’
‘Pretentio believes
that diners such as yourself, Sir, feel much more
at home with those choices,’
‘Well, I’m pretty
hungry so perhaps Pretentio could rustle-up a
beef burger with chips and baked beans for me.’
‘Pretentio will never
prepare such food. He has a separate room across
the street where you can select those items for
yourself and pop them into the microwave. I can
give you the key to that lock-up if you like.
Pretentio says it avoids potential cross
contamination with his creations and, indeed, his
better educated customers. There are less
demanding restaurants around here, you know. The
café of the Tate Modern is just over the
Millennium Bridge.’
‘I’ve come from
there. I tried to order “boiled eggs de
Peter Doig" and then attempted “cheese
on toast a la Yves Klein".’
‘How did that go?’
‘I knew what a boiled
egg was, and I’m something of a connoisseur
of cheese on toast – although I say so
myself. Unfortunately, I’d never heard of
Peter Doig or Yves Klein, so they threw me out.’
‘This is an increasing
problem, I’m afraid, due to the influence of
MasterChef on TV. Many people who use the
Salvation Army's nightly soup and sandwich
service for the homeless can easily afford to eat
in restaurants. They’re simply not
knowledgeable enough about fine dining to qualify
for a table in London.’
‘How can I get a meal
then – apart from waiting for the Salvation
Army van tonight?
‘I’d try the fish
and chip shop opposite St Paul’s if I were
you. Are you familiar with “cod in batter”?’
‘Yes.’
‘That’s a good
start. They may call it “hand crafted ale
battered, Baltic cod loin” but it’s the
same thing, so don’t let that throw you. You
can probably wing it.’
‘Thanks for the advice.
I’ll give it a go.’
‘I might see you later,
actually. To be frank, I often eat there. Just
between us, Pretentio’s cooking tastes
pretty awful to me, but what can you say to a
Michelin four star chef? At that level, if you
don’t like the food then you’re to
blame for not having a sufficiently educated
palate. The “saucisse avec purée de pois”
at the fish and chip shop is particularly good,
by the way.’
‘“Saucisse avec
purée de pois”.’
‘Sausage with mushy
peas.’
‘Thanks for the tip. I’ll
see if I can get away with ordering it.’
‘Good luck.’
‘Many thanks. Might
see you later.’
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