UK Government To
Take Urgent Action To Simplify Everyday Life
A government report on
education in the UK, published today, draws
radical, new conclusions about the causes of the
apparent decline in educational standards.
‘It had become
established wisdom that young people were
becoming more stupid,’ explained Dr Smart,
one of the report’s authors. ‘For
example, year after year, A level examinations
have required simplification to ensure that all
candidates can be awarded an A************ grade.
When we compared modern exam questions to those
of forty years ago, however, we discovered that
the problem was not that students were now less
bright, but that life, and hence basic questions
about any aspect of it, had become hugely more
complex.’
The report concludes that
too much emphasis has been placed on increasing
educational attainment, when what is really
required is to make life simpler so people do not
need such a high level of education. The report
highlights that the majority of current day
stress and depression appears to be related to
the frustration of undertaking what were once
basic, everyday tasks, but which are now
technically challenging adventures.
Sitander Couch, founder of TV
Controllers Anonymous (TVCA), quoted a
classic example to report researchers. ‘I
set up TVCA,’ she said, ‘to help the
thousands of people who could no longer operate
their televisions or the devices attached to them,
such as digital tuners, hard disks or Blu-ray
players. Many,’ she revealed, ‘were too
embarrassed to admit that they sat in front of a
blank screen each evening because they
couldn’t operate, or often locate, the
relevant controller.’
‘I used to find out
what had been on TV from the papers, and pretend
to work colleagues that I’d watched it,’
confessed a report contributor from TVCA.
‘Before I joined the group, I’d no idea
how to get my TV to show programmes. I think that
was the root cause of my depression.’
Peter Traveller, spokesman
for the National Transport Users Association
(NTUA), quoted a further example of life’s
new complexity in relation to transport. ‘In
the 1960s it was a simple matter to buy a train
ticket to any location in the UK,’ he told
researchers. ‘Now that we have multiple
transport providers and complex fare structures,
it’s easier to journey overland to
Afghanistan than it is to get a train from
Newcastle to Bristol.’
‘I remember when shops
sold items made of paper that you could write on,’
reminisced pensioner, Gladys Scribbler, a report
contributor. ‘We used to have writing paper
and envelopes, and we had diaries in the form of
little paper books,’ she nostalgically
recalled. ‘I don’t understand Facebook,
Twitter, email and electronic diaries, so I
can’t write to anyone, anymore. I used to
like a good read too,’ she admitted,
‘but I can’t work a Kindle. I still go
shopping,’ she added, ‘but with all
these complicated credit cards, debit cards and
loyalty cards, how long will it be before I
can’t use money anymore? I'm worried I'll
starve.’
‘It is clear,’
concluded UK Prime Minister, David Cameron,
responding to the report, ‘that if we do not
take immediate action to simplify everyday life,
more than 85% of the UK population will be
paralysed by uncomprehending bewilderment by 2030.’
Report recommendations
aimed at starting the life simplification process
include the reintroduction of the horse to
replace the motor car. ‘We are spending
billions to convert grain into motor fuel,’
noted Dr Smart. ‘You can feed grain directly
to a horse. Also, cars are now so complex that
it’s impossible for the average person to
repair or service one. Anyone, however, can care
for a horse using traditional skills. Finally,’
he concluded, ‘most emergency calls to
motoring organisations result from failures of
computerised central locking systems that prevent
owners from opening their own car doors. Horses
don’t mysteriously lock you out!’
Other recommendations of
the report include limiting any person’s
mobile or landline telephone calls to people they
cannot visit on horseback within the following
ten days, and replacing home entertainment
systems with pianos.
In order to move plans
forward, it is believed that the Prime Minister
is seeking to appoint to Home Secretary an elder
from the Amish community.
In a surprise development,
Richard Dawkins and Brian Cox have endorsed the
findings of the report. ‘Now we’re
beginning to understand the underlying nature of
the universe,’ said Professor Cox,
‘it’s simply too complex and
potentially unsettling for most people to grasp.
It’s best that they follow the most up-to-date
Vatican guidance that the Earth is flat and at
the centre of the universe.’
‘We accept,’
concluded Professor Dawkins, ‘that
simplification is required for the mental health
and general wellbeing of the population. They
should therefore simply worship God and not think
too hard about His Creation. Astrologers and
mystics,’ he advised, ‘can tell them
anything else they want to know.’
‘In due course,
further legislation and guidance will emerge
relating to the simplification of everyday life,’
David Cameron assured reporters. ‘In the
meantime, the public are being urged to chill out
and not attempt anything too difficult.’
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