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A Man of Few Words - by Swan Morrison


Vibration theory developed from psychical research. Rigorous scientific investigation into reports of ghosts failed to reveal the spooks hoped for by devotees of the paranormal. Instead it revealed that presences occurred in locations possessing a geometry that caused resonance within a specific band of frequencies. Controlled experiments verified that ghosts were sensed, and even observed, under the influence of this ‘alpha’ range of vibrations.

Researchers continued experiments to investigate the effects of other frequency ranges.

The ‘beta’ frequency range promoted feelings of depression or dread. Interestingly, equipment in many dental surgeries emitted these frequencies.

The ‘gamma’ range produced feelings of light heartedness and joy. Finally the ‘delta’ range of frequencies were shown to generate uncontrollable sexual abandon. The latter discovery was of particular benefit to the church of St Mary the Virgin which, after some structural alterations to adjust resonance frequencies, was once more able to safely use its altar for sacramental purposes.

Questions were raised as to why there had been some ten years between the research paper in ‘Nature’ which detailed ‘alpha’, ‘beta’ and ‘gamma’ frequencies, and the one that revealed the ‘delta’ range. The four-man research team attributed this to teaching commitments, as much time was devoted to the increasingly popular study of ‘mathematical vibratology'. Indeed, in this period they were credited with encouraging very many young women between the ages of eighteen and thirty to take an interest in science, including significant numbers of young actresses and models.

The government was quick to take advantage of this science as many public buildings were ‘re-tuned’ to ‘gamma’ frequencies. People happily rushed to pay extra taxes at ‘gamma’ Inland Revenue offices. Criminals queued at ‘gamma’ police stations with hopes of being sent to ‘gamma’ prisons.

The study of naturally occurring ‘psychoactive frequencies’ led to a number of startling conclusions. The discovery that people’s states of mind are influenced by the resonance frequency of their bodies was one example. Many struggling with diets found that losing weight placed their bodies in the ‘beta’ or ‘depression’ frequency range. Initially, further despondency was caused by the discovery that the ‘gamma’ frequency range for these people often started at forty stones. Happily for them - and less happily for chocolate manufacturers - a method for artificially changing the resonance frequency of a human body was discovered by Norwegian scientists.

Experiments demonstrated that reindeer antlers vibrated, even in light winds, at ‘gamma’ frequencies. Reindeers were, in fact, the happiest creatures on earth. This discovery was the breakthrough which slimmers needed, although some embarrassment and, indeed, inconvenience is often caused by the wearing of imitation reindeer antlers twenty-four hours a day.

Highly paid American lawyers were also quick to see the potential. International drug barons were defended on the grounds that they had acted under the influence of ‘beta’ frequencies. Indeed, arguments have even been advanced that the vibrational frequencies of the office of Slobodan Milosovitch and the moustache of Saddam Hussein explain a great deal.