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A Man of Few Words - by Swan Morrison

The Annual Report

Dear Shareowlders,

They tell me this cumpany awetta do a report this tima year to say ow fings are. Sorry me ritin aint two good. I worked mosta me life doin plumin, decratin an jobs on bildin sites, so I aint used to bein chairman of a big internashenel murchant bank.

Gettin works bin a big problem since all them bleedin managers from big cumpanies got fedup with the stress of their jobs and changed careers to lern a trade. Now the cuntrees got loadsa plumers, bricklayas, plasteras, decoratas and the like. Every soddin one of em wiv bleedin degrees, so there aint no chance o the likes of me an me mates gettin a proper job no more.

Course, cos all the middel classes have got the jobs of us workers, thers no one left to manage the bleedin cumpanies. I didnt want to be a f**kin top executive, but the bloke at the job center said that was all there was, and theyed stop me soddin benefit if I turned down anuvver seenya post - so ere I am.

Mind you, it aint as stressful fer me as it was for all them cleva blokes. I aint got a bleedin clue what Im doin, so there aint nuffin to worry about.

Ive ad a bit of elp. The bloke who came to fix the pipes in the toilet ad bin the managin directer of ICI, so e gave me some tips. That bloke who paintid me office ad bin finance managa of the biggest muwti-nationawl cumpany in the world - cant remember its name. E said the acounts would make more sense if I wernt tryin to read em upside-down. Didnt make much difference thow.

Anyway, I dont no ow the bank is doin, but as all us managers in all the big cumpanies avent got a GCSE between us, nun o the uvvers do eever. No one invests wiv us anymore, anyway. Workers just get there pay packets at the end o the week and spend it all.

Ive got a plan, though. Im doin nite classes in acowntin. One fing I rememba about big cumpanys from readin the Sun newspapa is that the main job of the top blokes is to give emselves uge pay rises. Betta still, if they are completely f**kin useless and av no idea wot there doin - a bit like me - they give emseleves an even uger sum of money just to leave!

As soon as I lern enuf about acowntin to do it, therefore, I’m gonna pay meself ten millon quid to piss off.

I cant be doin too bad tho. I read the exexcutiv sumary of this report to the bloke who fixed me car the uvver day - ed bin the chief exec of anuvva muwti-nationawl. The summary is that none of the management no what theyre doin. Were cluless about the state of the cumpany, but its probably a f**kin disasta, an were all tryin to get away with as much dosh as possible before it collapses.

This mechanic bloke said ed just about got the ang of is new job, and e rekoned I ad too.

Albert Grabber.

Chief Executive.