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A Man of Few Words - by Swan Morrison

The Alternative Repair Centre

The engineer at Glastonbury Electronics had told me that my transistor radio was not worth the cost of repair. On the walk home, therefore, my attention was drawn to the sign in the window of the Alternative Repair Centre. ‘All things can be restored with the holistic wisdom of the New Age,’ it proclaimed.

I went inside and showed my radio to the shop assistant, White Owl. He placed it carefully on the counter, then closed his eyes while his hands hovered centimetres above the machine. He opened his eyes and removed a small jar labelled ‘Powdered Battery’ from the counter drawer, sprinkling the contents over the tuning dial. Finally he picked up the radio and, as if by accident, dropped it on the floor voicing the incantation ‘Shit!’ - at which point it began to work as new.

From that day, I have directed all repairs to the Centre. When my washing machine broke down, I rang the Centre and, due to ‘distant repair’, it was not even necessary for someone to call. I learned, however, that I too had my part to play in the machine’s recovery. The natural balance in my utility room required restoration, which could only be achieved by the simplicity of washing clothes by hand. Eight months have now passed and each day I sense that the washing machine is getting closer to recovery.

The power of the forces harnessed by the workers at the Centre was tragically demonstrated by the death of White Owl. He had detected an imbalance in the yin and yang of a non-functioning television. He was correcting this with acupuncture when overwhelmed by a great and mysterious force. His death taught that greater simplicity of energies was required when treating electrical equipment, which is now routinely disconnected from the mains prior to therapy.

There has, of course, been predictable opposition from conventional repair services in the town as they have seen their business decline. They are blind to the ancient wisdom, deriding the approach of the Centre as ‘Insane and highly dangerous'. They have no answer, however, for the fact that it obviously works. My neighbour’s vacuum cleaner stopped working only last week. A Feng Shui analysis of the rooms it cleaned indicated the need for a new colour scheme in yellows and blues, and a fountain near the entrance. This was undertaken with loving care to detail - even down to putting a new blue and yellow painted fuse in the plug of the cleaner. The machine then worked perfectly. Who could dispute the evidence of their own eyes?

Prevention is better than cure, however, and much of the time of the Centre workers is now spent in conducting life and energy giving rituals to restore natural balance prior to breakdown. Homeopathic car servicing is a fine example of this - as was always enthusiastically testified to by the late Mrs Robertson and the late Mr Hughes.

But don’t just believe me, visit the Glastonbury Alternative Repair Centre and try it yourself.