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The AAO
I am an ancillary activities operative for
the English Football Association.
The need for my role was identified when
the FA reviewed their expenditure on salaries. It was noted, for
example, that the manager of the England Football Team was paid
four million pounds each year. It was agreed that the particular
combination of knowledge, skills and abilities required for this
role justified exceptional remuneration. It was also noted,
however, that such expertise was not exercised in a continuous
manner throughout the working day. Brilliant team selection and
tactical planning might occur for a few minutes at a time, but
most activities undertaken were mundane - things which could
easily be done at much lesser cost by any idiot. This is where I
come in.
I am employed, at the national minimum
wage, to sit anxiously in the dugout during international matches
demonstrating jubilation at goals for England and desolation at
goals against. I also shout periodically at the referee and act
as an apologist for the team at subsequent press conferences. In
addition, I am responsible for providing salacious material for
the tabloid newspapers by conducting indiscreet sexual liaisons.
To maximise my productivity, I also replace
key players on the pitch for activities not requiring first rate
ball control or tactical genius. If opposition players might
score from a position in our penalty box, then I rush onto the
pitch and viciously chop them to the ground. If a refereeing
decision goes against England, then it is my role to abuse the
referee until I am dragged away by team members. During my most
successful match I was sent off five times.
AAOs are, of course, recruited by others
who employ highly paid staff. Traditionally posts of AAO for
major rock bands had been much sought after. Nights of unlimited
drugs, alcohol and sex meant that many people would undertake the
job for free. In recent years, however, the position has become
much less popular, requiring, as it does, tireless effort for
third world charities. The job of AAO for celebrities is also
currently very unpopular as in most cases this requires
substitution for the employer on a 24/7 basis - most celebrities
possessing no specific skills or expertise which cannot be
emulated by an AAO. Fortunately this level of skill frequently
does not even require a homo sapien and so has afforded
development opportunities for the higher primates - also for
lower primates and some single-celled organisms. The revelation
that humans share fifty percent of their genetic material with
bananas has opened further avenues for celebrity replacement.
The pinnacle of AAO success has been scaled
by those who replace world leaders for those parts of their
duties which do not require exceptional international
statesmanship. Worryingly, the 24/7 problem described above has
been a drawback in recruitment by many countries. I am not afraid
of hard work, however, and am delighted that I shall shortly be
taking up a post as AAO to the US President. I am currently
compiling a list of all who have annoyed me over the years to
pass to US Airforce, Bomber Command.
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