Tarians
March 4th
Dear Supermarket Manager,
I recently purchased a
chocolate fudge cake from your store. While
eating it, I noticed on the packaging the words
‘Suitable For Vegetarians’. At first, I
thought, this rather disparaging to the product
as the cake was delicious and I am sure would
also be enjoyed by very many normal, right-thinking
people.
I then began to worry that
your labelling might have a more sinister purpose.
Perhaps the quality of ingredients was in some
way substandard and the label was a warning to
ordinary people that it might not be fully fit
for consumption? Much in the same manner as
labelling on pet food which reads ‘Suitable
For Dogs’.
Before buying more cake, I
would be most grateful if you could confirm the
rationale behind the ‘Suitable For
Vegetarians’ warning on the product.
Yours sincerely,
Martin Faithful.
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March 9th
Dear Mr Braithwaite (Supermarket
Manger),
Thank you for the
explanation of your ‘Suitable for
Vegetarians’ labelling. On reading this, and
in discussion with the Minister of my church, I
realise that I have confused
‘Vegetarians’ with
‘Unitarians’.
Our Minister explained in a
recent sermon that Unitarians have a theological
viewpoint that is quite beyond the pale and,
indeed, anathema to true Christians such as
myself.
I am sure you would share
this view, and, as we are discussing packaging, I
wonder if you might consider labelling on your
products which bans their sale to these misguided
and dangerous heretics?
Yours sincerely,
Martin Faithful.
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March 14th
Dear Mr Braithwaite,
I had previously considered
your supermarket to be a proper and wholesome
location for family shopping. I was shocked
therefore to hear of your preoccupation with the
sale of food and the scant consideration you give
to the immortal souls of your customers. This is
not surprising, however, given the revelation in
your letter that you are a Unitarian and, indeed,
a vegetarian to boot!!
I will certainly not use
your supermarket again and will be giving a very
wide berth to Tarians of all varieties.
Although my conversion to
Christianity occurred less than a fortnight ago,
I am well able to recognise disciples of Satan.
Mark my words, come Judgement Day, you and all
Tarians will burn in Hell for all eternity.
Yours sincerely,
Martin Faithful.
*****************************************
March 19th
Dear Mr Braithwaite,
My Minister has insisted
that I write to apologise for the tone of my
previous letter. Whilst applauding my commitment,
he thought that I should refrain from
evangelising for the time being. He explained
that the Church prefers to explain its position
in debate and joked that threatening to burn
unbelievers, either on Earth or in Hell, had lost
its popularity in the Middle Ages.
My new found and
unshakeable belief in the Truth remains, although
I am a little hazy about what this
‘Truth’ entails and so am due to
commence my first Alpha course at the weekend. I
would be happy to provide details should you wish
to attend also.
Yours sincerely,
Martin Faithful.
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