The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

A Man of Few Words - by Swan Morrison


‘This is the Secretary General of the United Nations on a direct line from the UN. Is Doctor Terror there?’

‘Dr Terror speaking. My nuclear missiles remain aimed at all the major cities of the world. Have the world leaders considered my demands?’

‘Yes, and they agree we have no choice. You can take over the world.’


‘Dr Terror, are you there? I said that you have taken over the world. What do you intend to do with it?’

‘Oh.......I don’t know.......I hadn’t thought it through this far. I kind of assumed that a lone agent with no backup and no clear plan would have thwarted my evil designs by now.’

‘To be honest, the world leaders are pretty pleased that it’s all up to you now. With global warming, destruction of the Earth’s resources, terrorism, numerous wars and problems with the global economy, it was all getting just too difficult.’

‘I don’t know what to do. Can I speak to the President of the United States?’

‘He went out for a pizza with the other ex-world leaders about twenty minutes ago.’

‘Ex-world leaders?’

‘Yes, they all quit. There wasn’t anything to do, with you having taken over the world and all. Even the despots said they hadn’t felt so good for years now all the worry had been lifted from their shoulders.’

‘Er.....I don’t want to take over the world after all. Perhaps just Europe?’

‘I think you’re going to find a lot of very disappointed non-European leaders. Still, Europe is better than nothing. No one’s going to fight you for it. After all that’s where pollution is worst and where the effects of crumbling economies are making the countries most difficult to govern. Also with one or two unstable border states, you never know where the next conflict is coming from.’

‘Perhaps not Europe, in that case.’

‘Look, Dr Terror, my pizza will be getting cold. Are you going to take anything over or not?’

‘Could you recommend somewhere that is not so problematic?’

‘Hang on, I’ve got a map of the world on the wall here with all the trouble-spots marked. There must be somewhere that’s OK......Ah, Shillay.’


‘It’s a small island in the Outer Hebrides, north of Scotland. The weather’s not so good, but there are no significant problems there. It’s uninhabited, and the sea bird population pretty much looks after itself.’

‘I demand to take over Shillay.’

‘OK, that’s cool. Shall I tell the guys at the pizza restaurant to just carry on as usual. Apart from that guy from the Scottish Parliament, of course, who won’t need to be worrying about Shillay any more?’

‘Yes please.....And let this be a lesson to them all not to underestimate Dr Terror.....Ah ha ha ha haaaa!!!’

‘Fine, now if you’ll excuse me that Neapolitan pizza with extra cheese is waiting, and I missed breakfast. Good bye.’