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A Man of Few Words - by Swan Morrison

Many Thanks

Dear Employee,

As Chief Executive of your company, I usually write at this time of year to thank you for all your hard work and dedication during the past twelve months.

Although I have sent such a letter to all staff annually for the past ten years, the task of writing my traditional ‘thank you’ missive is now more complicated than on previous occasions. The very general nature of this annual morale booster, coupled with the fact that I have no inclination to visit the shop floor to meet any of you, has led some staff to feel that my message is too non-specific to be experienced with any sincerity.

In particular, many of you may recall the tragic events of last year when Mrs Mason of the finance department murdered Mr Robinson, her head of section, and subsequently eviscerated him, draping his vital organs around the photocopier. His relatives felt that my subsequent ‘Thanks and well done to one and all’ message implied approval of her actions.

Nothing could be further from the truth, and, indeed, I subsequently issued an amended version which read: ‘Thanks and well done to one and all - except Mrs Mason.’

This, however, led many of you to identify other staff who had demonstrated very little hard work and dedication, and many names were forwarded to add to the list of exclusions. Whilst the Trade Union did not challenge the assertion that Mrs Mason’s behaviour was inappropriate in the workplace, the naming of others who were known to be useless and idle was considered to be discriminatory, so this style of letter had to be discontinued.

Herein lies my dilemma. I am most grateful to those staff who selflessly work on, despite poor pay and Dickensian conditions, to fund my mansion, Mercedes and yacht. I am not best pleased, however, with the whinging, pathetic layabouts who can’t bring themselves to do a decent day’s work and immediately go off long-term sick with so called ‘stress’ if anyone dare hint at the fact.

This year therefore, I am not writing a ‘Thank you and well done’ letter but rather I wish to communicate with those of you who would have long since left the payroll had it not been for all the namby-pamby liberal employment legislation. I want you scrounging bastards to know that I hate you all and I hope you rot in Hell after a particularly nasty accident with some of our older and unguarded machinery.

It’s no small wonder that we are losing money hand over fist while you sit on you fat backsides doing bugger-all. Well, just remember that we know who you are, and, when the inevitable redundancies begin in the very near future, you will be the first ones to go, and there is nothing you can do about it as we will say we are downsizing and you were good workers and we are sorry to loose you. That way the employment tribunals can’t touch us.


Yours sincerely,

A Harrison.

Chief Executive.