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Greetings
In recent years I had found it increasingly
difficult to locate appropriate greeting cards for special
occasions. Feelings of nausea induced by the over-sentimental
wording of many cards had made selection difficult. Indeed,
projectile vomiting by many potential customers had made the
browsing experience particularly unpleasant and had finally led
to the prohibition of greeting card sale in shops that also sold
food products.
Even more problematic, however, had been
the question of identifying a card which both accurately
described my relationship to the recipient and expressed the
nuances of the message I wished to convey.
The solution occurred to me as I combed the
shopping mall for a card to send to my second cousin twice
removed on my father’s side. For him, as an Englishman, to
be awarded thirteenth place in the ‘All Australia Crocodile
Wrestling Championships’, was a feat greatly deserving of
recognition. I was desperately disappointed, therefore, to find
that the required wording did not appear on a single greeting
missive. I resolved to start a business to manufacture honest and
accurate greeting cards for the twenty-first century.
This venture has been a great commercial
success. It has also, however, produced a surprising and
interesting by-product in providing a sociological snap-shot of
contemporary Britain. ‘Congratulations to my next door
neighbour’s wife in keeping secret the paternity of your new
baby.’ has proved, for example, to be a best seller.
‘Thank You’ cards for children to
give to their teachers at the end of the school term remain
popular, although the addition to that range of ‘Thanks to
my school gate drug dealer for some great shit!’ has been
enthusiastically received. The desire of our young people to send
such positive messages to others has shown them in a benign and,
hitherto, unrecognised light. ‘Condolences on my theft of
your car.’ has been particularly heartening in that respect,
as have ‘Best wishes on the reconstruction of your home
after my arson attack.’ and ‘Deepest regrets on the
death of your relative in a knife attack in the city centre at
closing time - even if he did look at me in a funny way.’
The replacement of redundancy notices with
‘Good luck in your future career.’ cards has
undoubtedly improved employer/employee relationships.
Perhaps even more surprising has been the
way that official institutions have embraced the new card culture.
‘Apologies from the Inland Revenue for plunging you into
poverty this Christmas.’ has been well received by
pensioners. ‘Sorry about your fine for that motoring offence
and our lack of effort to detect serious crime.’ has
illustrated a disarming honesty on the part of the police that
has warmed the hearts of the public. Finally, ‘Sorry I lied!’
cards ordered by MPs to send to their constituents have generated
our largest sales - the biggest order having, of course, been
placed by Downing Street.
Why don’t you send an honest and
accurate greeting card, today?
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