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Enlightenment
‘You called for me, Oh Enlightened
Master?’
‘Yes, Yusef. We have a problem with
selecting the winner of the ‘Devotee of the Year’ award.’
‘I thought that ascetic who was
hopping backwards for the whole one thousand miles from his home
to our temple here in Delhi was bound to win. I’ve got ten
thousand rupees riding on him with Honest Abdul.’
‘So have I. The problem is the Texan
oil baron I saw yesterday.’
‘The one who agreed to donate five
million dollars to the Temple?’
‘Yes. The five million dollars was his
half of the deal.’
‘What was our half?’
‘Enlightenment by the end of next
month. Gaining Enlightenment will make him the front runner for
the Award, but if that ascetic guy doesn’t win, then there
will riots among the rest of our followers.’
‘I agree that’s a big problem,
but aren’t you overlooking a rather bigger one?’
‘What?’
‘Since we quit our jobs at Mcdonald’s
and decided that setting up a religious cult would be a good
little earner, neither of us has given any thought to spiritual
advancement, so how are you going to lead the Texan to Ultimate
Wisdom in the next six weeks?’
‘No problem. I’ve given him some
spiritual exercises, and I’ll declare that whatever mood he’s
in at the end of next month is Enlightenment.’
‘Won’t people think that was a
bit easy for him?’
‘It’s nothing to do with me if
the cosmic cycle of karma and rebirth should lead to close
resemblance between the mind of the Buddha and the mind of a
Texan oil baron. Come to think of it, it might get us a few more
sponsors from that state.’
‘I think I have a solution.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Well, we know that neither the
Ascetic nor the Texan can win the prize otherwise either our
other followers would riot or it’s bye-bye Texan cash. There
must be another winner.’
‘Then we’d lose both the
followers and the cash.’
‘Only if another person won.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘I’ve been reading that children’s
guide to religion we bought. One of the characteristics of
enlightened teachers when presented with paradoxical problems is
to say or do something totally bizarre. Followers seem to accept
unexpected weirdness as a sign of great understanding. The more
inexplicable it is to them, the further they assume the teacher’s
knowledge surpasses their own.’
‘So what wins the prize?’
‘I don’t know. How about that
chair you’re sitting on?’
‘Brilliant Yusef......Wait a minute,
won’t the Ascetic and the Texan object?’
‘Nope. As they think themselves
spiritually advanced, neither are going to admit that they don’t
have a clue what you’re on about.’
‘Great idea. And the sacred chair
could represent me at religious festivals, so I can stay in bed
and watch TV.’
‘Perfect. Where are you going?’
‘I’m going to get a follower to
visit Honest Abdul for me. Should get some pretty good odds
against a chair.’
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