Checkouts
I manage the checkouts at a
large supermarket, ensuring that our purchasing
and packing service meets our customers’
every need.
It has become commonplace
for checkout operatives to greet shoppers with a
cheery ‘Hello’. Customer research
indicates, however, that five percent of shoppers
are experiencing hangovers, four percent
migraines, three percent have suffered recent
bereavements and two percent are in the depths of
clinical depression. Such customers abhor
greeting and, in the case of the latter group,
bonhomie can contribute to the increasing trend
of ‘checkout suicide’. We therefore
designate one till at which customers can be
assured of indifference, or even, by request,
hostility. This egress is also favoured by ultra-Orthodox
Jews. Identified by their beards and black
attire, they are often seen despondently leaving
the store, empty handed, having discovered once
more that Entenmann's cakes are still not
approved as Kosher.
One checkout is dedicated
to those who unload their trolleys very slowly,
pack with no sense of urgency, present the
checkout operative with a large variety of money-off
coupons, and pay the balance partially with cash
and partially with a slowly written cheque from a
chequebook which takes minutes to recover from
the bottom of a bag. All this while engaging the
checkout operative in trivial conversation.
Should such customers
present at other than the ‘Stupid Irritating
Bastards Who Can’t See That Other People Are
In A Hurry’ till, security frog-march them
to the car park. Here they are stood against a
wall and shot, the cost of the bullets being
deducted from their loyalty card points. This
innovation has proved very popular with most
shoppers, who are only too willing to contribute
a few minutes of their time to join a firing
squad.
Increased emphasis on
health and safety has led to the exclusive use of
extra-wide checkouts for those customers who are
clinically obese. Discreet, under-floor scales at
the other checkouts identify such people who are
then tactfully directed by store security to the
correct till. This allows the confiscation and
return to the shelves of any high calorie
products, hence avoiding health risks to the
customers and subsequent litigation against the
store.
Those bringing more than
nine items through the ‘nine items or less’
checkout are also identified. Due to their
inability to count to ten, they fail to notice
overcharging. Such profits finance many of the
store’s special offers. They are also
targeted for purchases where innumeracy is
crucial - such as lottery tickets or double
glazing offers.
Fear that deliveries might
be interrupted during the 2001 petrol protest led
to panic buying. The excitement and competition
of this activity has led to ‘panic purchase
of the week’. One product is kept in short
supply so shoppers can arrive early in the
morning, load trolleys to capacity and then queue
for hours at the single ‘panic purchase
point’. This has also allowed sale of much
unwanted stock, highlighting, once more, the
vital importance of checkout management.
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