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Attire
In the early twenty-first century, our
multi-cultural society exposed us all to a vast array of clothing
derived from many traditions. The western culture had become
accepting of almost any attire an individual might choose. Debate
continued in relation to the apparently more restrictive mode of
dress of eastern women, although it appeared that this might
liberalise with the passage of time. The massive tidal wave of
popular support for full head-to-toe cover of the kind afforded
by the burka came, therefore, as a major cultural surprise.
All men had been familiar with the
experience of walking behind an apparently attractive woman -
long blond hair; shapely figure - only to discover on passing and
looking back that she had a face like a pitbull and was totally
flat-chested. They had believed, however, that there was little
that could be done about their resulting anger and bitter
disappointment.
It emerged, however, that women too were
becoming enraged that men who from behind appeared to have a nice
bum and an athletic figure, resembled Austin Powers in frontal
elevation.
The approach of such individuals
increasingly engendered feelings of disgust, and when obesity
began to compound the aesthetic nightmare, pressure groups sprang-up
demanding government action.
Thus it was that ministers were required to
balance the right of individuals to dress as they would wish,
with their responsibility to not induce nausea in their fellow
citizens.
The result was the ‘Attire Act’
which required all bodies to be fully covered in an opaque,
shapeless garment when in public unless a ‘Liberal Dress
Licence’ had been issued by the Home Office.
Local panels of attractive citizens were
convened to view those applying for a licence and make
recommendations to the Home Secretary.
At first the ‘Aesthetically Challenged’,
as they were described in the Act, responded by forming private
clubs where they could meet and dress as they pleased. These soon
declined, however, with the realisation that one could choose not
to look in a mirror, but it was impossible not to see the full
horror of someone standing nearby. ‘Ugly’ websites
appeared on a pay-to-view basis. Many were closed down by
Internet Service Providers. Others continued to be frequented by
what the tabloid press described as ‘disgusting perverts’,
although their patrons radically decreased when police obtained
hundreds of credit card details and systematically attempted to
prosecute offenders. The ‘Wear Your Burka With Pride’
campaign went the same way as the ‘Chop Your Leg Off For Fun’
and the ‘Leap From An Aircraft Without A Parachute’
campaigns.
Most decent members of the public took a
more responsible attitude and worked for the award of a ‘Liberal
Dress Licence’. Thousands lost weight, learned how to use
skin care and cosmetic products to the best effect, found a
decent hairdresser, explored cosmetic surgery and took many other
measures proposed in government leaflets and public information
films.
Ironically, the final effect has been that
very few burkas are now seen in public places. Instead, fellow
citizens enhance the aesthetics of the environment - making our
land an altogether more pleasant place to live.
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