The Olympian
(From an
original idea by Alan Pinkett)
Peter greatly admired the
achievements of British Olympians. He had watched
the world beating performances of Sir Steve
Redgrave, Linford Christie, Sally Gunnell and
others and dreamed of one day joining their
illustrious ranks. He imagined himself atop an
Olympic podium, draped in a union flag, the notes
of the British National Anthem drowned-out by
cheers from a rapturous crowd.
There was, however, a
problem. The great Olympians not only had
outstanding aptitude for their sports but
demonstrated unstinting dedication. His heroes
and heroines had committed themselves to years of
rigorous training in order to achieve their goals.
Peter, by contrast, was disinclined to expend
undue effort on his quest for Olympic glory.
It was to resolve this
dilemma that Peter studied a list of Olympic
sports in search of the least demanding.
He discarded activities
requiring strength or physical fitness and thus
focussed upon shooting events. Remaining still
and gently squeezing a trigger certainly met his
athletic criteria. In addition, one event seemed
to offer a solution to the problem of training
and practice – the Ten Metre Air Pistol*.
Peter opened the connecting
door between his living room and kitchen and
paced from his sofa. It was exactly ten metres to
the kitchen wall. He had found his Olympic event.
Peter purchased an air
pistol and began his Olympic preparations. Every
day he would lay on the sofa watching TV, a
Guinness in one hand, his pistol in the other.
Previously he had resented long TV commercial
breaks, particularly as he paid additional
subscriptions for the adult channels. Now, these
intermissions afforded an ideal opportunity to
blast away at targets nailed to the kitchen wall.
Within a year, Peter’s
aim was so perfect that he decided to repair the
peppered walls, ceilings, furniture and windows
that testified to his earlier practice. He even
replaced the cat.
Despite his proficiency at
home, his first public competition was
disappointing. Peter had missed with every shot
and lost further points for accidentally
despatching the host club’s cat.
The problem was obvious: He
was unused to firing whilst standing or when
sober. With appropriate adjustments to technique,
his next competition performance impressed all.
There was little question that Peter was destined
to represent Great Britain at the forthcoming
Olympics.
****************************
Peter’s team-mates
carried his sofa into the Olympic arena and
positioned his TV and DVD player.
As his Olympic competitors
fired carefully aimed shots, Peter loaded his
favourite XXXBabes DVD and downed his
first can of Guinness.
Competitors were required
to fire sixty shots within one hundred and five
minutes. His team became increasingly anxious as
Peter, having fired none, watched Lesbian
Lovers to its end, leaving just one minute
of the competition remaining.
Then, whilst finishing his
tenth can of Guinness, Peter lifted his specially
adapted semi-automatic air pistol and
triumphantly fired sixty pellets into the
targets’ centres.
Peter felt dizzy as he
stood on the podium waving his Olympic gold medal.
Perhaps he should have postponed the additional
celebratory drinks until after the ceremony?
Nevertheless, as he fell backwards off the podium,
wrapped in the union flag and with the sounds of
British National Anthem and the cheers of the
crowd in his ears, he entered the happiest state
of alcoholic unconsciousness of his life.
*The Ten
Metre Air Pistol is a genuine Olympic event.
If you read more about the event via the above
link to Wikipedia you will note that Peter’s
victory led to many changes in the rules of the
sport.
These include firing from the standing position,
loading only one pellet at a time and, most
critically, all competitors being breathalysed.
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