Chicken
‘Dinner is served,’
announced Derek to his two guests.
‘Excellent,’
replied George as he and Alison arose from the
sofa and began to walk to the dining room.
‘It’s chicken,’
said Susan as the two couples sat down at the
dining table. ‘I hope that’s OK?’
‘Just as long as
it’s free range,’ said George,
earnestly.
‘I’ve got all the
documentation,’ Susan confirmed, reaching
for a folder from the breakfast bar. ‘Her
name was Esmeralda. She enjoyed the highest
standards of rearing.’ Susan removed a
photograph from the folder and passed it to
George. ‘This is a picture from one of her
holidays in Tenerife. She was also a personal
friend of Jamie Oliver.’
‘Free range chickens
are pretty expensive, though,’ reflected
Alison. ‘Do you mind if I ask how much you
paid for Esmeralda?’
‘Eight hundred and
ninety-seven pounds,’ Susan replied,
‘although that included delivery and her pre-slaughter
counselling.’ Susan looked puzzled for a
moment and then turned to Alison. ‘If you
usually bought free range chickens, you would
have known the cost?’
There was a short,
embarrassed silence.
‘You don’t buy
free range, do you?’ challenged Susan.
Alison and George glanced
at each other. In an instant they silently
debated whether to confess to their oldest
friends, and agreed that pretence was impossible.
‘It’s worse that
that,’ revealed George, avoiding eye contact
with his hosts. ‘We buy the super-cheap
chickens.’
‘Super-cheap chickens?’
enquired Derek.
‘Chickens that are
reared to the very highest standards cost as much
as second-hand cars,’ George explained.
‘Intensively, but less humanely, reared fowl
can be bought for a few pounds.’ He looked
at Alison. ‘The prices really plummet when
the birds have been,’ he restrained the
increasing enthusiasm in his voice,
‘well… punished.’
Susan broke the ensuing
silence: ‘Why would anyone punish a chicken?’
‘Do you have the
Internet?’ responded Alison.
‘Yes,’ replied
Derek.
‘Do you ever look at
the S and M chicken sites?’ continued Alison.
‘What’s S and M?’
said Derek.
‘Well, it’s like
when you’re spanking Susan,’ George
replied absentmindedly.
Susan blushed and glared at
Derek.
Derek and Alison glared at
George.
Dinner was postponed as all
four retired to the computer.
Derek and Susan looked on
in amazement as disobedient chickens at naughtychickens.com
received the mild though humiliating discipline
they so justly deserved.
‘Some sites are more
hard core, but we're not into that sort of thing,’
explained George. ‘There are lots of sites
out there. Most sell off the chickens really
cheaply when they’ve finished with them.’
‘They’ll usually
dispatch them to your door, oven ready,’
added Alison.
Derek and Susan were
initially appalled but, at the same time, felt
strangely aroused.
Both were aware that some
of the excitement had gone from their bedroom
activities and that new inspiration was needed.
The presence of their friends and the third
bottle of wine somehow legitimised admission of
their most secret and guarded fantasies about Gallus
domesticus.
Also, Coq au vin would
never again require a second mortgage.
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