Bananas
Safety
Warning and Urgent Recall Notice:
The Short Humour story that
previously appeared on this page has been
withdrawn by order of the Police.
If you have downloaded a
copy, please do not read it or re-read it. Delete
it from your computer, and take to your nearest
police station any removable media on which it is
stored.
It has come to light that
the story, called Bananas by Swan
Morrison, was, inadvertently, the funniest piece
of humour ever written. In susceptible
individuals such writing can trigger
uncontrollable and unstoppable laughter. It is
impossible to eat or drink whilst convulsed with
such humorous hysteria, hence there is serious
risk of death within five or six days. There is
currently no known treatment, and those affected
have been maintained under sedation in hospital.
Similar pieces of writing
have been developed by intelligence services in
Russia and in the West. Indeed, it is believed
that the murder of at least one former KGB agent
was effected by inducing ‘Mirthus Gravis’
from reading such a story passed to him in a
London restaurant. This was discovered when staff
in the restaurant, who had seen parts of the text
over his shoulder, tested positive for
pathological joviality.
The Government employs
teams of brilliant comedians to undertake the
secret and dangerous research into this material,
despite this leaving those who are less funny, or
not funny at all, to fill comedy entertainment
roles in the media. Even with such research,
however, the most deadly humour is often found by
chance. National disaster was narrowly averted in
the UK just prior to a party political broadcast
by the Leader of the Opposition. On analysis of
his speech it was clear that hearing his plans
for governing the country could have left over
eighty percent of the population in agonising
contortions of laughter. Fortunately, the danger
was identified in time, and all subsequent policy
statements have been sufficiently bland and
substanceless to be safe – even for children.
A particular danger of the
Swan Morrison story was that it appeared to
maintain its potency in translation. Even Germans
reported a strange and unfamiliar sensation on
reading it, together with an involuntary
vocalisation, sounding something like: ‘Ha
Ha’. This contributed to the fear that the
material might fall into the hands of terrorists.
This story read on national radio could have a
destructive power equivalent to ten megapaxmans
– one paxman being the effect on an evasive
politician of a TV interview during the UK
current affairs programme, Newsnight. It
would also, of course, be fatal to the reader,
but ‘suicide humorous story reading’ is
an ever-present risk.
In addition to research for
military purposes, work continues on the use of
deadly humour to control vermin. Oxford
University has built a facility to discover what
rats find amusing – a move that has led to
some confusion among anti-vivisectionists. So
far, the one about the two mice and the gerbil is
said to be showing promise.
Finally, although the story
on this page has been removed, some people may be
affected by other writing on this site. If you
find that you have been unable to stop laughing
for more than twelve consecutive hours, consult
your doctor immediately.
| 