All UK Crime
Solved!
The British Police lead the
world in catching criminals – and that’s
official! British Government statistics,
published this week, show that there are no
outstanding unsolved crimes in the UK. This
contrasts dramatically with the picture just
twelve months ago when there had been no
successful convictions in UK courts for nearly
two years.
This remarkable achievement
is credited to Commander Ernest Booker who was
controversially appointed to head of the British
Police last year from his previous role as a
trainee junior traffic officer. Commander Booker
had been undertaking a remedial course in basic
numeracy when he had experienced his brilliant
inspiration. He already knew that UK crime
statistics could only be improved by a seemingly
impossible increase in the number of successful
convictions. His work as a traffic officer,
however, led him to realise that this was
possible in relation to one category of offences
– parking violations.
He reasoned that if just
one crime was committed in a period, for example
a murder, with no subsequent conviction, then the
statistics would show one hundred percent of
crimes as being unsolved. If nine hundred and
ninety-nine parking violators were apprehended in
the same period, however, the murderer at large
would have simply amended the unsolved crime
statistics to one in a thousand, or zero point
zero-zero-one percent. Even the activities of a
prolific serial killer would still represent just
a small fraction of one percent of total crime.
With large enough numbers of convicted parking
violators, the percentage of unsolved crimes
could be made statistically insignificant and be
considered as zero.
Immediately following his
appointment, Commander Booker had reassigned all
police officers from non-essential bodies such as
murder squads, rape investigation teams and anti-terrorist
units, to undertake parking violation enforcement.
He also applied discretionary police powers to
introduce the offence of ‘stopping or
parking a vehicle anywhere, at any time’.
Tickets were issued to
stationary vehicles in their hundreds of
thousands. Halting at traffic lights, stopping
for fuel at petrol stations or parking in ones
own garage were considered as no defence. Police
cars would tail normally law-abiding motorists
for miles on suspicion of ‘intent to stop’
and serve ticket after ticket for each failure to
maintain forward momentum. Corporate owners of
vehicles on automotive production lines were
similarly deemed culpable for any product that
was in excess of fifty percent complete and
stationary.
As the number of
convictions grew to millions, daily, even the
reassignment of all government employees to deal
with the ensuing documentary administration began
to prove inadequate. Thence came Commander Booker’s
final stroke of mathematical genius. He argued
that as all vehicle owners were, on average,
fined for parking violations two hundred times in
each day, this average number of offences could
simply be assumed, and the resultant fines added
to vehicle road tax. Thus the statistics for
solved crimes would be maintained without the
need to directly enforce the law on the streets.
This also avoided the unnecessary expense and
logistical complications of maintaining a police
force.
Anecdotally there has been
some public concern about a perceived dramatic
increase in murder, rape, armed robbery and
terrorist offences - also gridlock caused in most
towns by indiscriminate parking. Britain can be
proud, however, that, statistically speaking,
crime is no longer a problem.
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