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What's In A Name
by Stephen Philip Druce

I took my girlfriend to the cinema. I kept the film title a secret as I wanted to suprise her.

We sat in our cinema seats eating popcorn as the lights dimmed for the introduction of the movie. I felt a tingle of exitement as the opening credits appeared on the screen.

Starring -

HILDA SPLAT
SID PIPES
TED SPLODGE
CHARLIE SMAT.

The audience started giggling - "what are they sniggering at?" said my girlfriend.

"They're laughing at the credit names - they're a puerile bunch here. I'm sure there are some iconic hollywood names in the film" I said.

FANNY STUMP
GERTRUDE PUFF
OLIVE CRUMPLE
DR. BILL SLOP.

The audience's chuckles gained momentum with each name credited. "This crowd is really starting to irritate me now" she said.

HERBERT PAP
LORD SPONGE
MOLLY FLAPS
IVY CHIPS.

The audience roared in hysterics - "I've had enough of this, where are the star-studded names? - Nicholson, Cruise, Streep, Clooney, Diaz" she said.

ALFIE SNACK
BOB FLANGE
TREVOR SMESH
STAN BUFF.

The audience guffawed to the point of passing out - coughing their snacks into the air - "where are the star-studded names damn it?, why are they still laughing? - it's not a comedy" she said

CYRIL CHURMS
CEDRIC BUNCE
GEOFF SQUIRMES
MAGGIE PINGO.

The audience screamed with joy - tears rolled down their faces as they rolled down the isle.

The film started and my wife pulled out a gun and shot the entire audience dead.

"Why the hell did you do that?" I yelled.

"Well they were making so much noise I couldn't hear the silent film" she said.