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The Trouble with Nuts!
by John Andrew Nield

The trouble with nuts is, they’re very elusive.
But, don’t take my word as completely conclusive.
It’s just that, it seems, though, whenever they're freed
they scatter and hide - which is not what you need!

Consider the case of a Doctor, I knew.
Took his car for a spin (and to ‘pose’ in it, too).
A well-mannered man - but you wouldn’t think that,
if you heard how he swore when his wheel caught a ‘flat’!

Having pulled off the road, in the next parking bay,
he set about changing the wheel straight away.
But then, (here's the ‘rub’), with the wheelnuts unscrewed,
the little sods, always are keen to elude!

When placed on the ground, they were off, down a drain
- rolled into a gulley and not seen again.
The Doc (unaware) carried on with his chore,
until he returned to attach them once more.

Scratching his head at the challenge, anew
(and feeling so lost as to what, next to do)
he was glad of a voice as it called out, behind,
“You look unhappy, mate. What’s on your mind?”

From over a wall, there appeared a kind face,
so the doctor explained his dilemma, at pace.
“Simmer down!”, smiled the man. “There’s no need to be stressed.
There’s always solutions, or ‘bodge-its’, at best.

From what I can tell (from yer nuts) you’ve lost four.
Yet, what you forget is, you still have twelve more.
There’s four nuts a-piece on the other three wheels.
So,tell me if, maybe this action appeals.

Take a nut off each wheel and they’ll still be okay.
Put those nuts on the fourth; you can be on your way.”
‘Well, thanks,” said the Doctor, “you clever young man!’.
For thinking of such an ingenious plan.”

A sign (it was more like a board ‘if you will ’)
informed of a ‘Home for the Mentally Ill ’
“This cannot mean you.” cried the Doc. “Not at all !
So, why are you stood on that side of the wall?”

“Oh, no!” laughed the man. “They're all ‘nutters’ in here.
They think I'm one too; I'm imprisoned , I fear.”
“That’s tragic”, the Doctor replied, with a sigh.
“You’ve proved with your plan, you are smarter than I !

I’m a famous psychiatrist; I can give aid.
I’ll ‘phone them tomorrow, so don’t be dismayed.
I'm sure, when they hear what I'm going to say,
you’ll be out of that place by the end of the day.”

“Thank you. I now know how ‘Wonderful’ feels!”
Cried the man as the Doctor was sorting, his wheels.
Then, (starting his car) the Doc thanked him, once more
for solving his problems, with nuts, (and ‘Sod’s Law’!)

Waving goodbye, he set off back to base,
when a flung ‘half -a- brick’, smashed the side of his face.
Bloodied and dazed,; cursing “Sonofabitch!”,
he flipped the car over and into a ditch.

Battered and bruised, the Doc dragged himself free.
As the fuel tank exploded, he glanced up to see
the grinning man, shouting from over the wall,
“You won’t forget, will you, to give them a call?”