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The Crawler And The Crooner
by Stephen Philip Druce

I was in the red light area of town, talking to a lady in my car.

A policeman tapped on the car window and asked me what I was doing with my trousers around my ankles. I told him I was a Hollywood movie producer, searching the streets for a singer to audition for the role of Julie Andrews in a planned re-make of 'The Sound Of Music'.

"She can't play Julie Andrews - she's got dentures" said the officer.

"Officer, I am not prepared to reject this lady's vocal talent just because when she sings 'do a deer - a female deer', her dentures may fly out and hit one of the children in the eye - causing permanent blindness. I will not discriminate the dentured" I said.

"She can't play Julie Andrews - she's vastly overweight. How did you even manage to get her in your car?, did you have to stick your foot in her ass and push?" he said.

"Officer please don't be so insensitive. I will not dismiss this lady's singing prowess based on her physical imperfections - even if that does mean having to drag her by a tractor and a rope through cow shit as she screams hysterically - just to get her to the hill top so she can sing 'Climb Every Mountain'.

"She can't play Julie Andrews - she's got a tattoo of a sandwich on her neck" he said.

"Officer, you really are a superficial individual aren't you?. Have you no imagination for the arts?. Are you going to tell me that there isn't a market out there for a Julie Andrews with a cheese, ham, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and cucumber sandwich tattoo on her neck?" I said.

"She can't play Julie Andrews - she's about sixty five years old" he said.

"Officer, many a good tune can be played on an old fiddle" I said.

"Let's hear this audition then" he said.

"Certainly - the 'Sound Of Music' theme tune please my good lady - in your own time" I said.

She told me she couldn't sing. "You can't sing?, you can't sing?, right, get out of my car you toothless, tattooed old lump!" I yelled.