The Crawler And
by Stephen Philip Druce
I was in the
red light area of town, talking to a lady in my
tapped on the car window and asked me what I was
doing with my trousers around my ankles. I told
him I was a Hollywood movie producer, searching
the streets for a singer to audition for the role
of Julie Andrews in a planned re-make of 'The
Sound Of Music'.
play Julie Andrews - she's got dentures"
said the officer.
I am not prepared to reject this lady's vocal
talent just because when she sings 'do a deer - a
female deer', her dentures may fly out and hit
one of the children in the eye - causing
permanent blindness. I will not discriminate the
dentured" I said.
play Julie Andrews - she's vastly overweight. How
did you even manage to get her in your car?, did
you have to stick your foot in her ass and push?"
please don't be so insensitive. I will not
dismiss this lady's singing prowess based on her
physical imperfections - even if that does mean
having to drag her by a tractor and a rope
through cow shit as she screams hysterically -
just to get her to the hill top so she can sing 'Climb
play Julie Andrews - she's got a tattoo of a
sandwich on her neck" he said.
you really are a superficial individual aren't
you?. Have you no imagination for the arts?. Are
you going to tell me that there isn't a market
out there for a Julie Andrews with a cheese, ham,
tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and cucumber
sandwich tattoo on her neck?" I said.
play Julie Andrews - she's about sixty five years
old" he said.
many a good tune can be played on an old fiddle"
hear this audition then" he said.
- the 'Sound Of Music' theme tune please my good
lady - in your own time" I said.
She told me
she couldn't sing. "You can't sing?, you can't
sing?, right, get out of my car you toothless,
tattooed old lump!" I yelled.