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Rent A God
by Harris Tobias

If you need a God for some purpose or other, there are plenty of ways to get one:

•You can invent one from scratch like the Pthalians did and we all know how long that civilization lasted.

•You can appropriate one of your neighbor’s Gods, but that is both risky and unreliable. You can’t expect loyalty from a captive God.

•You can purchase a shiny new one, untried and untested, right off the shelf. I don’t have to point out how risky relying on a rookie god in a tense situation can be—remember Troy.

•You can recycle a perfectly serviceable but worn out God. One who has provided protection to his or her believers for aeons but might not be all that anxious to take on new clients.

•You can buy a cheap, cut rate, knockoff or one of hundreds of lesser Gods. These might work fine for a while but are apt to let you down when you need them most like when some heathen army is ramming your gates and you really need a miracle. That’s when you get what you paid for.

So what’s a prophet or a High Priest to do? There are lots of ways to get your people a God but only one that combines the best features of the expensive brand name models with the affordability of the inexpensive knock offs—That way is God Rental.

Now I know what you’re thinking, didn’t the Phoenicians try that and didn’t they wind up on the ash heap of history? God Rental has come a long way since the 3rd century BCE. New safeguards, new refinements make what happened to Zentopo, the Mayan city, trampled by its jealous Sun God, virtually impossible. Our inspired computer modeling matches your needs with your budget and you get the best fit. A God that delivers love and protection in a balanced, affordable way with out too many demands. Only the occasional ritual sacrifice and burnt offering is usually sufficient.

For most purposes you don’t need too much God. For example, you don’t need Jehovah if all you want is a good corn harvest. On the other hand, you aren’t going to vanquish the Edomites with Zephyrus, Goddess of balmy breezes. You need the right God for the job. Today’s God Rental experts are fully trained in these matters of God compatibility. And as an added benefit, if your God fails to perform, a replacement will be furnished without any loss to your congregation or your pocketbook.

As your religion grows stronger, you can upgrade your God to a stronger model. If an agrarian God will no longer suffice for an increasingly war like people, you simply notify your rental agent and a stronger God will be supplied. Let us grow with you. Your success is our success so let’s work together. The next time you need a God for any purpose great or small, call the experts, call Rent A God right now.