Now is Not the
Appropriate Time or Place to Discuss How to Stop
Wolfshark from Killing Again
by Joseph S.
Pete
Have
you no decency, sir? Have you no decency at all?
Wolfshark just massacred hundreds of carefree
people just having a good time at the annual
Beach and Brews Summer Suds and Surf Jamboree,
and you have the audacity, the temerity, the
chutzpah, the gall to suggest how we could stop
Wolfshark from killing again? The blood on
Wolfshark’s freaky hybrid wolf-shark fangs
isn't even cold yet, and you dare politicize
these senseless deaths that could easily be
prevented by banishing Wolfshark back to the
nether realm? Those poor souls didn’t want
to get devoured alive in Wolfshark’s
remorseless maw only for political opportunists
to come in and exploit this terrible tragedy by
proposing sensible ways to halt Wolfshark’s
endless reign of blood-drenched terror.
At
least wait until the mangled corpses are buried
in the cold ground before uncouthly discussing
whether it would be possible to save others from
Wolfshark’s insatiable hunger for human
flesh. Give the victims’ loved ones time to
grieve and process their loss before attempting
to harpoon Wolfshark to stop him from killing
that guy standing right over there. Let our
nation have time to come together as one before
brainstorming obvious defenses we could mount
against Wolfshark, the ultimate predator on land
and sea.
I
for one am outraged. I am sincerely outraged at
such effrontery because my concern for humanity
outweighs everything else, even my fondness for
shiny metallic inanimate objects that sling small
projectiles that I use as a glorified toy and
security blanket since I am a stunted man-child
who fears to go to Applebee's without a last line
of defense since I'm far, far too lazy to go to
the gym. I can’t imagine how completely
insensitive one would have to be to see Wolfshark
rip a guy clean in half, munch his torso in two
savage bites, and immediately react by trying to
keep Wolfshark from striking again?
How
could you take such a horrible, ghastly, tragic
event to promote your own twisted personal agenda
of not getting eaten by Wolfshark and protecting
your friends and family from his razor teeth and
powerful jaws? It’s sick; it’s just
sick. Will you stop standing on the graves of
victims to push your demented, self-serving
political narrative about how we must save others
from Wolfshark, before it’s too late?
Now
is not the time to talk about Wolfshark, when
Wolfshark is still tearing out that poor dude’s
entrails over there in the corner.
Perhaps
it’s never the time to talk about Wolfshark
since his relentless drive to kill any sentient
being with extreme prejudice has resulted in mass
slayings on 270 of the 275 days so far this year.
After all, we didn’t try to thwart Wolfshark
after he slaughtered all those kids at the summer
camp, on the college campus, at the shopping mall,
in the haunted barn, at the nightclub, in Doom
Cove, at the movie theater, on Death Island, in
space or at Murder Lake. We didn’t even act
when he assaulted the elementary school or
dragged Samuel L. Jackson down to the murky
depths for a frenzied, blood-soaked chomp-a-palooza,
so why bother now?
Nothing
can be done to prevent Wolfshark from claiming
more victims, nothing at all. Nothing, no matter
how well-intentioned, can suppress Wolfshark’s
ever-growing body count. There’s no way to
regulate a Wolfshark, or use a magical amulet to
slow him down enough so Jamie Lee Curtis can
decapitate him with a chainsaw.
In
fact, the only way to defend yourself against an
evil mutant wolf-shark hybrid from the hellish
depths of the nether realm is with a good mutant
wolf-shark hybrid because nothing has or ever
could go wrong in that scenario, no matter what
those scientist nerds or cowardly generals try to
tell you. But what kind of nut would want to
control all this Wolfshark carnage? There’s
a Wolfshark, there’s always been a Wolfshark,
and that’s all there is to it.
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