The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Now is Not the Appropriate Time or Place to Discuss How to Stop Wolfshark from Killing Again
by Joseph S. Pete

Have you no decency, sir? Have you no decency at all? Wolfshark just massacred hundreds of carefree people just having a good time at the annual Beach and Brews Summer Suds and Surf Jamboree, and you have the audacity, the temerity, the chutzpah, the gall to suggest how we could stop Wolfshark from killing again? The blood on Wolfshark’s freaky hybrid wolf-shark fangs isn't even cold yet, and you dare politicize these senseless deaths that could easily be prevented by banishing Wolfshark back to the nether realm? Those poor souls didn’t want to get devoured alive in Wolfshark’s remorseless maw only for political opportunists to come in and exploit this terrible tragedy by proposing sensible ways to halt Wolfshark’s endless reign of blood-drenched terror. 

At least wait until the mangled corpses are buried in the cold ground before uncouthly discussing whether it would be possible to save others from Wolfshark’s insatiable hunger for human flesh. Give the victims’ loved ones time to grieve and process their loss before attempting to harpoon Wolfshark to stop him from killing that guy standing right over there. Let our nation have time to come together as one before brainstorming obvious defenses we could mount against Wolfshark, the ultimate predator on land and sea. 

I for one am outraged. I am sincerely outraged at such effrontery because my concern for humanity outweighs everything else, even my fondness for shiny metallic inanimate objects that sling small projectiles that I use as a glorified toy and security blanket since I am a stunted man-child who fears to go to Applebee's without a last line of defense since I'm far, far too lazy to go to the gym. I can’t imagine how completely insensitive one would have to be to see Wolfshark rip a guy clean in half, munch his torso in two savage bites, and immediately react by trying to keep Wolfshark from striking again? 

How could you take such a horrible, ghastly, tragic event to promote your own twisted personal agenda of not getting eaten by Wolfshark and protecting your friends and family from his razor teeth and powerful jaws? It’s sick; it’s just sick. Will you stop standing on the graves of victims to push your demented, self-serving political narrative about how we must save others from Wolfshark, before it’s too late? 

Now is not the time to talk about Wolfshark, when Wolfshark is still tearing out that poor dude’s entrails over there in the corner. 

Perhaps it’s never the time to talk about Wolfshark since his relentless drive to kill any sentient being with extreme prejudice has resulted in mass slayings on 270 of the 275 days so far this year. After all, we didn’t try to thwart Wolfshark after he slaughtered all those kids at the summer camp, on the college campus, at the shopping mall, in the haunted barn, at the nightclub, in Doom Cove, at the movie theater, on Death Island, in space or at Murder Lake. We didn’t even act when he assaulted the elementary school or dragged Samuel L. Jackson down to the murky depths for a frenzied, blood-soaked chomp-a-palooza, so why bother now? 

Nothing can be done to prevent Wolfshark from claiming more victims, nothing at all. Nothing, no matter how well-intentioned, can suppress Wolfshark’s ever-growing body count. There’s no way to regulate a Wolfshark, or use a magical amulet to slow him down enough so Jamie Lee Curtis can decapitate him with a chainsaw. 

In fact, the only way to defend yourself against an evil mutant wolf-shark hybrid from the hellish depths of the nether realm is with a good mutant wolf-shark hybrid because nothing has or ever could go wrong in that scenario, no matter what those scientist nerds or cowardly generals try to tell you. But what kind of nut would want to control all this Wolfshark carnage? There’s a Wolfshark, there’s always been a Wolfshark, and that’s all there is to it.