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by Larry Lefkowitz

I, Professor Maximilian Klumnik, have channeled all my (brilliant) efforts into contributing to the progress of mankind. Some damn me as an idiosyncratic recluse, not realizing I am a towering polymath. Without further ado (one of my favorite expressions), I hereinafter provide but one example of my multifaceted investigations; yet one which constitutes the summum genus of my work. If small minds at the university denied me the Emeritus I so richly deserve, this research will surely result in my being accorded the honor lest the students revolt.

The fact that I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals in no way detracts from this singular research accomplishment; nay it makes it all the more remarkable. It contributed to my seminal paper, "Problems of Psychiatric Adjustment on the Part of Rosencranz and Guildenstern Caused by Hamletian Dominance," which, constitutes, in my humble opinion, a tour de force, a tour de horizon, a tourbillion and a tournedos, if I may borrow the latter from the field of haute cuisine – and why not I make a mean French omelet. In my humble opinion, my paper would have revolutionized understanding of Shakespeare's work. Unfortunately, it was never published, since the rights were claimed by a prehensile publisher, who claimed I plagiarized it with regard to which I cannot say more as the matter is presently sub judice.

Risibility Manifestation Among Homosapiens Selected According to Gender Equalization

Sources: Students from North South Dakota Community College volunteered for the experiment.

Purposes: To establish and map zones of risibility using the methodology of qualitative as well as quantitative analysis.

Methodology: A working selection of 50 students equally divided into males and females (25 each) and 2 hermaphrodites as control were, in relays, made to tickle each other in various areas of the body considered likely to produce positive results in terms of risibility manifestation in laughter or other indicators of risibility stimulation.

Materials: Tickling was accomplished by means of finger tips (traditional method), feathers, grass blades, velvet, and blowing on (from a distance of 2 centimeters).

Time of experiment: 12 o'clock in the afternoon (the diurnal coefficient) and 8 o'clock at night (the nocturnal coefficient).      

Results: No significant differences were observed according to gender save in one case (unknown to the investigator at first) where the male and female subjects were boyfriend and girlfriend who recorded a heightened tendency to risibility stimulation with all materials. Their results were of course excluded from research conclusions. The two hermaphrodites also recorded heightened sensitivity. This may be due to pair bonding.

Sensitivity reaction by type and percentages:

            40% -- laughing
            25% --giggling
            15% -- guffawing
            10% -- chuckling
            5% -- tittering
            5% -- chortling

Summary: No difference in risibility stimulation was noted according to materials used, gender, or diurnal or nocturnal tickling, save in the case of rural subjects who exhibited a heightened sensitivity to use of grass blades. Stimulation was most marked under the arms, upon the soles of the feet (barefoot) and in 50 percent of the cases in the neck area.