Legacy
by Larry
Lefkowitz
I, Professor Maximilian
Klumnik, have channeled all my (brilliant)
efforts into contributing to the progress of
mankind. Some damn me as an idiosyncratic recluse,
not realizing I am a towering polymath. Without
further ado (one of my favorite expressions), I
hereinafter provide but one example of my
multifaceted investigations; yet one which
constitutes the summum genus of my work.
If small minds at the university denied me the
Emeritus I so richly deserve, this research will
surely result in my being accorded the honor lest
the students revolt.
The fact that I was in and
out of psychiatric hospitals in no way detracts
from this singular research accomplishment; nay
it makes it all the more remarkable. It
contributed to my seminal paper, "Problems
of Psychiatric Adjustment on the Part of
Rosencranz and Guildenstern Caused by Hamletian
Dominance," which, constitutes, in my humble
opinion, a tour de force, a tour de
horizon, a tourbillion and a tournedos,
if I may borrow the latter from the field of haute
cuisine – and why not I make a
mean French omelet. In my humble
opinion, my paper would have revolutionized
understanding of Shakespeare's work.
Unfortunately, it was never published, since the
rights were claimed by a prehensile publisher,
who claimed I plagiarized it with regard to which
I cannot say more as the matter is presently sub
judice.
Risibility Manifestation
Among Homosapiens Selected According to Gender
Equalization
Sources:
Students from North South Dakota Community
College volunteered for the experiment.
Purposes:
To establish and map zones of risibility using
the methodology of qualitative as well as
quantitative analysis.
Methodology:
A working selection of 50 students equally
divided into males and females (25 each) and 2
hermaphrodites as control were, in relays, made
to tickle each other in various areas of the body
considered likely to produce positive results in
terms of risibility manifestation in laughter or
other indicators of risibility stimulation.
Materials:
Tickling was accomplished by means of finger tips
(traditional method), feathers, grass blades,
velvet, and blowing on (from a distance of 2
centimeters).
Time of experiment:
12 o'clock in the afternoon (the diurnal
coefficient) and 8 o'clock at night (the
nocturnal coefficient).
Results:
No significant differences were observed
according to gender save in one case (unknown to
the investigator at first) where the male and
female subjects were boyfriend and girlfriend who
recorded a heightened tendency to risibility
stimulation with all materials. Their results
were of course excluded from research conclusions.
The two hermaphrodites also recorded heightened
sensitivity. This may be due to pair bonding.
Sensitivity
reaction by type and percentages:
40% -- laughing
25% --giggling
15% -- guffawing
10% -- chuckling
5% -- tittering
5% -- chortling
Summary: No
difference in risibility stimulation was noted
according to materials used, gender, or diurnal
or nocturnal tickling, save in the case of rural
subjects who exhibited a heightened sensitivity
to use of grass blades. Stimulation was most
marked under the arms, upon the soles of the feet
(barefoot) and in 50 percent of the cases in the
neck area.
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