The Short Humour Site

Home : Writers' Showcase : Submission Guidelines : A Man of a Few More Words : Links

Writers' Showcase

Jewish Insurgent Badly Tasered
(alternative facts from Williamstown, Kentucky)
by David Meech

An unemployed carpenter has today been transported to Gauntanamo Bay after gaining unlawful entry to an amusement park.

Suspicions were aroused after the individual appeared suddenly and unlawfully inside the grounds of the Kentucky Ark Encounter Park in Williamstown, Kentucky. Fears were raised when crowds began milling about as he began distributing unidentified items to the public. Events lead to full scale police intervention and the storming of park perimeters. Shots were fired and the barefooted individual was tasered to the ground, where witnesses say he was then brutally kicked and beaten. Police say they were motivated by fears of another 9-11 incident and that they were taking no chances whatsoever with suspicious insurgents, but took care to deny the beating part.

One member of the public commented that, “It was just some bearded Jewish dude throwing bread and fish. He wasn't going postal or anything.”

“He said he came back to save us,” added Wilma Lebowitz, munching on delicious Kentucky style chicken wings in the expansive Ark Encounter Park restaurant. “He just appeared out of nowheres. He sure is tanned though, looks like an A-rab. He was giving away bread and liquor - must be one of them socialists, like Bernie.”

The park is the creation of fundamentalist preacher Ken Ham and features a gigantic Noah's Ark. The unique ark is the biggest ark reconstruction in the Western world and markedly larger that the other two unique biblical ark reconstructions. Ham says that the ark is a symbol that, “God judged sin with a global flood...”

The ark's timbers have all been sourced from sustainable woodlots and the vessel features purpose built access for the disabled. There is also a petting zoo, shuttles and a commando style adventure course for American Christians. Inside the ark are 132 bays with sculptured animals including selected dinosaurs and a gift shop. The development has been credited with bringing the bible (and the odd dinosaur) alive and has been subsided by a state sponsored tax deal which has attracted controversy by only employing Christians, and no Jews.

“We don't need fundamentalists coming over here and forcing their weirdo beliefs on folks. We value our freedoms,” posted Police Chief Riley on Facebook today, who reportedly shot at but missed the insurgent,  leaving three 45 caliber bullet holes in the massive wooden timbers of the ark.

The Facebook post was later taken down and Chief Riley has subsequently been placed on administrative leave.

Grant County police have today denied that the bearded individual, so far identified only as Yeshua, was badly beaten by police. “Look y'all we merely restrained the perp (sic) and were questioning him. Plus he has an accent, looks like a Mexican hippy and is real hard to understand. Hell yeah we shot at him!”

Yeshua has two cracked ribs and a severely bruised colon. He had been handcuffed and imprisoned for resisting arrest. Guards report that he had been asking in a thick Israeli accent for extra soap. Described as an undocumented migrant from Jerusalem, reports indicate that he was attempting to gain unlawful entry into the ark and then attracted further attention by paddling about on top of the waters of the surrounding pools and further by making outrageous claims of a personal nature.

“He don't have no green card,” tweeted Police Spokesperson Abel Fairbrother. “He made wine and he didn't pay no entry fee. I thought he was Mexican.”

Yeshua later refused to either confirm or deny this from his cell, saying only in a strong Jewish accent, “Pay Caesar his due.”

The Sheriff's office today confirmed that traces of crack cocaine have been found sprinkled over Yeshua's robes and unkempt beard.

Grant County Po-lice have denied doing any of the sprinkling.

They have also denied waterboarding Yeshua prior to his present incarceration at Guantanamo Bay.

“We leave that to the experts,” commented Police Spokesperson Fairbrother on Snapchat, later reposting a meme of a spread-eagled Yeshua on Facebook, Facetime, Pinterest, Reddit and then Instagram.

The pictures were taken down later that day and Spokesperson Fairbrother has now been placed on administrative leave.

Supreme President Trump today praised the efforts of local police in detaining the dangerous insurgent. “We don't need any more Jewish socialists coming across our borders,” he commented in a series of outspoken tweets while taking a prolonged ablution rest somewhere deep inside the Whitehouse. Later he affirmed that, “This is not part of our ban on Mexicans.” Sean Spicer later tweeted, “He meant policy on Mexicans.” Trump, now sponsored by Twitter, replied, “Didn't I warn the Chief Justice? We need that wall now!” Spicer further denied that Yeshua had been pulling in similar crowds to those photo shopped into the Presidential inauguration.

“I am the most powerful man in the world – and trust me I am just so great at negotiating deals with all the major powers, even China...” tweeted President Trump early this morning, just after breakfast from deep inside the Whitehouse throne room.

And in separate news today the entire state of Kentucky has been deluged in an overnight flood. President Trump has tweeted that this is in no way connected to global warming.