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Global Pandemic Weekly - Not Much Change Really
by David Meech

Well on the upside we no longer have to hear about Meghan Markle.

The worldwide pandemic has taken a global grip with varying outcomes. Britain has adopted some stringent policies; closing borders, distancing themselves from the Continent, halting migration of foreigners and radically restricting the import of overseas goods. There will be absolutely no exceptions and even Irish nationals may find things extraordinarily difficult in terms of their borders.

So no real change with Brexit then. But I am sure you are anxious to hear about Covid-19.

Boris Johnson has shown astounding leadership by going out and contracting the virus, along with his Health Secretary. It seems herd immunity is in fact effective where common sense is concerned. I am not sure I would value advice from a Health Secretary who managed to catch the coronavirus. Happily, most of the British community are now confined indoors and will be prevented from going out to vote on stuff, which has
proved to be the single biggest threat to their health over the past three years. One of the first moves of the British cabinet was to completely isolate Boris Johnson from any contact with his colleagues’ wives.

So no change there really.

Jacinda has today issued a stern command for all old people to remain isolated indoors. Clearly she was talking about Winston Peters – to every cloud a silver lining. Doesn’t apply to me anyway as I identify as a teenager. I haven’t heard much from Simon Bridges this week, which is tremendous since I can rarely understand that guy. Anyone?

Of course this week as we entered lockdown, a state of suspension where the semi-literate learn how far two metres is, schools and universities were shut. Students have been staying home, hogging bathrooms, emptying kitchen pantries, massively blowing data limits and using up vast quantities of toilet paper. So no real change on that front either.

A massive outbreak of fitness has suddenly hit our streets. Not since Gallipoli have there been so many Kiwi struggling to make it up a hill. Back home any outbreak of civil war seems likely to centre around the Glen Innes Pak’nSave. Confused people lining up at a gun store were caught talking to the media about their right to bear arms. They must be confused indeed as apparently they have gone shopping in the wrong country.

In the financial realm businesses have temporarily closed and the Kiwi dollar tumbled as the major caretakers of our economy, thrifty Japanese housewives, invest in gold, the USD and the Euro. In fact the Kiwi may plummet so low that we will need to replace our national currency with the semi-ripe avocado – at a rate of one avocado per ten Kiwi dollars. Or one avocado per half used toilet roll. Avocados have been absolutely smashing it lately.

Bread has become illegal, we simply haven’t been told. Expect that announcement soon. So don’t worry about it. Tin foil is also in short supply as conspiracy theories extrapolate daily.

In Australia Australians have been incredibly Australian by taking it easy down at the beach, as Australians are want to do. No change there. Their Prime Minister told them off, now that he is back from Hawaii, where he was mostly located during their last national crisis. Down at the beach apparently. Australians are longing for the good old days, when things were simply burning down. That was far less confusing. Who knows what the next Australian crisis will bring? Laser firing drones? Fire breathing crocodiles? Probably just a new Prime Minister. Prime Minister Slo Mo is considering moving his cabinet to Xmas Island, where things are a lot safer. He has released a list of establishments that will remain open during the lockdown, which he doesn’t want people referring to as a lockdown. They are to officially refer to the lockdown as “the unpaid leave crisis” – like these pollies ever took unpaid leave. This extensive list of places still open in Australia includes stores, petrol stations, pharmacies, bottle shops and hospitals.

Yes indeed it will take the virus from hell for Australians to start closing down their bottle shops.

Over in China, and now that all those pesky foreign journalists have been kicked out, things are officially under control. Things were also under control when the C.C.P. had those 6 doctors placed under detention without charge for trying to warn their general population about a health issue. Note that they were not arrested, merely detained without charge. Chinese police would never arrest people on some trumped up charge, so they generally avoid doing that by not charging them with anything. Well things are safe once again, now that the foreign journalists have been thrown out and the doctors have been individually briefed on their commitment to the party and their “President for Life unless the money runs out”. Everything is fine apparently – although I am still confused as to what happened to those people who were nailed shut in their apartments. Either the nails fell out or they quietly slipped out of the narrative. Everything is fine though and the phrase “global pandemic” remains searchable on the intranet – although “Hantavirus” seems to have quickly vanished into thin air.

Well yes there was that little rat thing but you can only get that virus if you are eating rats. So hey, don’t even worry about it okay? Everything is massively under control and if everyone could just hold off from eating any more vermin things should be all quiet on the Western Front. Should be fine.

Unless maybe a lab has a security breach, as happened with SARS when it was traced back to a laboratory in Beijing.

But that’s just a tin foil theory since the laboratory less than 300 metres away from the Wuhan market, that may or may not have had rats, was perfectly secure. They didn’t sell any monkeys to the market either, or bats. So don’t worry. No humans could ever breach their security. It was all the fault of the foreign journalists.

This week the eating of wild animals has been banned over there. Yeah, so just the domestic ones now.

So no change there.

Over in the United States of Armed conspiracy theories, State Department auditors are beginning to regret that $13 billion dollars lost through unidentified corruption in Iraq, when the U.S. military decided to oversee development aid. Wow, that turned out well didn’t it? Possibly, at this moment in time, better use may have been put to those funds. Like another golf tour for the President, developing the opioid industry or even more investment in defence contracts – except that in investing billions in global “defence” the U.S.A. seems to have forgotten the first and fundamental level of taking care of your citizens – a functional public health system.

Still not sure how all the millions of homeless people plan on isolating themselves though. Shooting at the virus seems to have yielded only limited results, although that is not going to stop Republican voters. In times like this our best defence is simply common sense. On that note I fear that President Trump is now in deep, deep trouble.

By the way that little guy in North Korea is still firing off rockets, just that things have been put into perspective now. That must be disappointing not to make the headlines on the global security front. Still I’d wager that the safest country on this globe is probably North Korea at this precise point in time.

In India the entire country seems to be stumbling about in a bad dream. There is limited access to water, overcrowded slums and plenty of homeless people on the streets with nowhere to isolate. Prime Minister Modi has learned from the Chinese example though and is busy developing this entire global virus thing into a Hindi parable of nationalist pride and heroic military proactivity. It’ll be fine. He certainly will not need to keep any more Muslims out once this thing kicks off. Police are ready to beat any trouble makers with those long batons that they carry. Pretty much what they do in any crisis. Concern is circulating that good Hindus will need to share this virus with lower caste Dalits and Harijans – which must be disappointing for them.

They are tracking the virus daily while those national rape statistics are once again moved carefully into the background. Luckily men are in charge of statistics, so not much change there either.

Well that is about it. I won’t mention Italy as that is just too heart wrenching. No, that is not satire.

We should all be safe however as we bought loads of toilet paper and put on face masks made in China.

Kia kaha team. Keep laughing.